You ever get a text and without having to think you know what news you’re about to get?

My ex texted me yesterday and it sent a shiver down my spine.

“hey, its mia”

I knew why Mia was texting me, and the level of sadness and grief that came over me instantly was something I’ve really only ever experienced one other time.

Her dad died.

I haven’t been writing, but for some context, Mia is my ex fiance who I was with for 6 years. While I’ve very much moved on from my relationship with her, and have talked to her maybe twice in two and a half years, I talked to her dad regularly. Truth be told I think he only talked to me because I reminded him of a time in life he really enjoyed.

Mia and her dad didn’t always have the best relationship, and it was always tested by her mother who hated her father. Her mother had every right he wasn’t a great guy when Mia was first born. To be fair my understanding is that when his dad died he was never the same.

If you and your spouse have issues that’s fine, don’t let it bleed on your kid, which is what they did.

Mia’s dad used to come to our house every Sunday for 3 years. Mia didn’t always want him to but I’d answer and on days she was out doing stuff he’d come over and we’d shoot the shit for a while. Walter was an interesting guy. He was like my dad but a little more open, less closed off.

Walter and I would sit at the house on sundays and talk about wild shit we saw on the news, he’d tell me stories about things he did as a kid that I’ll never share with anyone. He was like one of those old mobsters you read about, except he actually did half that shit. He wasn’t that guy anymore though, he’d come up, bring scratch tickets and a bone for the dog, hang out, eat dinner. That was it, it was just his day to not be alone. He lived a very lonely life, his ex wife hates him, and for a while his daughter wouldn’t spend much time with him either.

Walter and I grew close because he knew two things: 1. I would have killed to protect his daughter from anything and everything. 2. I respected him.

Walter began to respect me over the years too which is why we were close. For Mia’s whole life until we started dating if she got a flat tire she called Walter, if her car made a noise she called Walter. She called him for all the things you’d expect a young woman to call her dad for, but as our relationship became more serious, she’d call me. When Walter realized that I was able to change a tire and that if she got a flat and I did change the tire, I’d make her drive my car and I’d drive hers just in case I fucked something up he realized maybe I wasn’t the worst.

Walter was very old school, so I knew that when I decided I wanted to propose to her, I’d have to ask him first. It turned into a longer conversation than expected, but you could see on his face that me asking meant a lot, and that’s when he knew I really loved his daughter.

Now we skip to the sad part. When Mia left me in 2022, I wasn’t the only one. She stopped talking to her dad too, I don’t know why, I never got involved. All I know is every time something crazy happened on the news, and for every holiday, Walter and I talked over the last couple years. I mean every holiday, Shit that guy would text you and say happy holidays for a holiday you never even heard of.

I talked to him a couple weeks ago for St. Patricks day. He was more sad than usual. Mia just opened her own salon and didn’t invite him to the grand opening. She didn’t tell him much about it from what he said he didn’t know anything about her life anymore. Where she lives, anything about the salon, her boyfriend, none of it.

When I got the text part of me was angry. I was angry that he died alone. Angry that she wrote a sob story on social media about a guy she hadn’t talked to in over two years. He died of a heart attack, which is how his dad died, but I believe he died of a broken heart. The guy had no one. His daughter didn’t talk to him, his ex wife would only speak about him in insults. He lived at his sister’s but he wasn’t happy there.

Getting old sucks and I’m not talking about Walter, he was only in his 60’s. I’m talking about me. When I was young family members would die and it wouldn’t bother me at all. In fact death didn’t bother me for the first time until Presley died. Until then I always accepted it as a part of life that had happened for the first time for me so young that I just always knew it was what happened.

As I get older I have a harder time with it. Presley’s death I know I’ll never be over. That grief is unexpressed love I never got to give her. The pain I feel about Walter is different. It’s based in fear. Fear that I’ll be like him. That I’ll die alone. Something I’ve always assumed, but never thought too deeply about until now.

They say hero’s and villains have the same backstory, pain. Hero’s say the world hurt me I’m not going to let it hurt anyone else. Villains say the world hurt me, I’m going to hurt everyone else.

I’ve never viewed myself as a hero, and I never will. That’s a bit too overboard for me. When it comes to pain I have the mindset of the hero though. The world hurt me, and I don’t say that so you’ll feel bad for me, it was part of the plan. The world hurt me so that I could go through life making sure the world doesn’t hurt others. I consider myself a Shepard, like in the bible. My job is to protect and guide others. I’m willing to lay down my life for others.

Against what my bruised ego felt, I made sure Mia knows that if she needs anything she can call me or text me and I’ll be there. I don’t necessarily want to be, but I know what it’s like to experience a death and grief alone. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and I wouldn’t intentionally allow anyone to experience what I did.

Some kind of evil still exists in this world, so it’s time to be a hero.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.