And I know we’re just searchin’ for redemption
Terrified of fuckin’ things up
I’m so exhausted by this longin’
For that spark that flies between us

You know, I had a whole thing about these things that I wanted to say, and my train of thought really got derailed, so let’s see if I can still get it all out. What a fucking strange day. I went into work for inventory, and in the commons was an exhibit called send silence packing. It was to bring awareness to suicide, and so there were all these back packs on racks like hundreds and each one had a story about a suicide or attempted suicide.

As someone who has struggled with those thoughts, it really got me, at first I felt down, but then I was happy that something like that is there for people to see, bring awareness to something so serious.

After that went for a little(long) walk with a pal, who really hit me in the feels. The walk was good though I think it was a nice moment where work didn’t really matter, nothing really mattered, I just felt like I existed in that time, and when the walk was over time continued.

She gave me a thank you card, and it said a bunch of kind things that I don’t believe to be true, but nonetheless, someone saying things like this really means a lot. Especially when you haven’t been feeling great in life. I think there’s two sides to this though right. It’s interesting for someone to write that you’re incredible and amazing and etc etc etc, and wonder if they mean it.

The other side is when you read that you begin to realize that none of it is true. I’m just an ordinary man, living an ordinary life. If I was anything beyond that I’d be enough for the people I want to be enough for. If I was anything beyond that I’d be enough for myself.

It was interesting though I read the card shortly after I dropped her off and I just wasn’t expecting any of it, and it made me think back a couple years. It made me wish I could talk to my dog one more time. I think I’d say the following:

“Presley, I know your mom left and you don’t understand why because you’re a dog and you don’t speak English, but I can promise it was nothing you ever did. Dad made mistakes that can’t be fixed, and for that she decided to leave both of us. I met someone who reminds me of all the best parts of your mother, But kinder, gentler, and a little more upbeat. She’ll never be to me what your mother was, partially because no one ever could be, and partially because honestly, there are some people in this world, very very few, but some that are so great, your dad doesn’t deserve them in that way. But I wish you could meet her, I wish she could meet you. Some days her friendship is hard, but overall I think she makes your dad a better person, and a happier one who’s more willing to step out of his comfort zone, not for himself but for her. I love you more than you’ll ever know, and I’ll see you soon.”

And we’ll be sailin’ along

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.