I got something in motion
Something you can’t see
It requires devotion
From those who truly believe
This is something you can’t touch
This is something you feel
For some people its too much
For some people it heals

I was talking to someone who, overnight, and without warning became an extremely important person in my life today. I was talking about how I made a tattoo appointment because despite the fact that I fucking hate getting tattooed, it’s good for my mental health.

I said that I’d try to go once or twice a month for the rest of the year, and she asked “what if you run out of room?” and I said that’s the plan and she asked then what?

I said then hopefully I’ll be healed, and like a light bulb above someone’s head in a cartoon, I had the thought for this writing.

Honestly, you probably won’t meet someone who’s actively putting in as much effort into healing past trauma’s so they don’t effect present relationships, or future ones, as I am. I keep a very regimented routine, I’m usually able to catch myself reverting back to poor habits in real time, and most importantly every day when I wake up I want to be a little better than I was the day before.

A little better can mean a lot of things. It can mean trying to be more positive. It can mean being more spontaneous. It can mean just doing my routine even though I don’t want to. Most importantly it means doing at least one uncomfortable thing.

I’m not sure if you can ever fully heal, but it’s kinda one of my life’s missions to find out. I think so far I’m on the right road. I catch myself when I start to be a pessimist, I catch myself leaning into being negative when I don’t want to be.

I think when you grow up in a traumatic, negative environment it’s probably going to take some time to break those habits. Patience is one of the most important things to have in life.

In some sense or another I usually find myself reflecting on my past, because reflecting on the past can help present you make better decisions. I’d like to point out that I reflect on the past, I don’t live in it. That shit happened, it’s over, now how can I be better moving forward?

Well so far for me being better moving forward is being a man of 3 very important things.

Patience.

Integrity.

Vulnerability.

Of course there are other things that I like to be, like empathetic and compassionate, but those two come naturally to me. Patience is the hardest to practice for me. Integrity can turn into a gray area but I think as long as you’re honest your integrity is still intact. Being vulnerable is pretty easy for me, but sometimes I find myself not wanting to share, and I’m trying to be better about that.

Without vulnerability how is anyone ever going to understand you to the fullest they possibly can?

Understanding people can not only make whatever relationship you have better, but it’s also how you see the best in people.

Who will save us now?

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.