It’s been a long time since I’ve felt peace in my mind
Through cold, dark days I’ve been holding the line
Seems all my friends are stuck in this passing strange
And there ain’t no relief in this dying game

This hungry beast, it will continue to feed
It cares not for your heart and it offers no sympathy
I’ve grown so tired of this boundless race
So let the wind and the water take me away

You know, I used to write this blog and just send it out to my close friends list on instagram, which was roughly 30 people and I never knew who did or didn’t read it. Since I no longer have social media, the people that receive this either subscribed(Thank you) or I’m going to annoy them by sending them a text with a link to it.

Today is day three of no social media. It’s been strange, but easier than I anticipated. It’s also been much more peaceful than I expected.

Anyone receiving this has probably been getting this link for a few months now, so you know I’ve been struggling with agoraphobia due to panic disorder. You know I don’t leave the house much, some days at all. Walks around the block are hard, and driving to the end of the street makes me want to throw up.

The day I deleted social media almost all of those feelings of dread and impending doom went away. Day one I went for a mile long walk that took about 30 minutes, followed by about an hour of driving, 10 miles in distance. I got gas, I went to a store, things felt normal.

Day 2 was even better, I went on a short hike with my sister, brother in law, and the dogs. 2 mile hike through the woods, no anxiety, no panic attacks.

Each day has started the same. Instead of waking up and reaching for my phone to check the latest on instagram or whatever, I wake up and immediately shower. I take that time to check in with myself, what am I thinking about? what am I feeling physically? are the thoughts and physical feelings connected? After my shower I get dressed and go for a walk, so far each walk has been at least 30 minutes, mostly around the neighborhood or to the close by trail.

After my walk, I come home and sit for a minute and check in with myself again, what thoughts am I having, what do I feel physically, and then into the car. I pick a playlist and I drive, with no destination or plan, essentially going where the wind takes me.

I’ll admit that I do feel slightly disconnected from people, almost a loneliness. However, I feel more connected to my surroundings, and to myself.

I’m not sure I’ve ever been relaxed in my adult life, but this past few days is the closest I’ve been to what I assume relaxed feels like. There’s a strange peace of mind when you’re only aware of what’s going on in your little part of the world. I’m no longer scrolling instagram for hours a day, seeing dead children in the Middle East, politicians doing horrible shit, the world burning down around us.

I’m aware of how privileged I am to be able to unplug, to not watch the news, to have some level of ignorance to what’s happening in the world. I’m also aware that on some level it makes me selfish. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I care too much, and constantly seeing that wasn’t good for my own health.

I’ve never enjoyed doing selfish things, but how far I’ve come in a short few days, I’m not sorry I made the choice, and I look forward to the days ahead, for the first time in a long time, I’m genuinely hopeful.

Hope all is well in your part of the world.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

P.S. Subscribe below if you’re sick of getting texted a link. Or tell me to get lost. I love you.