No I’m not colorblind, I know the world is black and white. Try to keep an open mind but I just can’t sleep on this tonight. Stop this train. I wanna get off and go home again. I can’t take the speed it’s moving in. I know I can’t, but honestly won’t someone stop this train?

First off, ironically to this story, I actually am colorblind.

The world is not black and white, at least not to me. The world is colorful, existing somewhere between black and white are most things. Right and wrong can vary from person to person, culture to culture, so how could the world be black and white?

For me, these lyrics, the train, it’s a panic attack, I just had one not long ago, I’m always especially embarrassed to have them in front of other people, but that’s what was meant for me this evening I suppose.

When I start to have a panic attack I try to keep an open mind, maybe it’s not real panic. Maybe it’s an intrusive thought trying to lure me down the road of panic. When I do have a panic attack, even after I’ve calmed myself down, no matter how early or late, tired or awake, I can’t go to sleep until I understand it to some degree. The trigger, the warning signs, how bad was it, am I beating myself up over it, I go through a whole moment of thoughts. Did I cause it?

Is panic something you’re born with? Is it something I cause myself to go through? I really beat myself up over panic attacks. Every time I have one I feel like a failure, like a loser. Like I’ve failed myself, like I let myself down. I’m sure none of these feelings are helping me recover from the feelings and sensations that come with an actual attack.

The panic train is one that every time I board, I want to get off. I want to go home. The feeling of panic and the spiral of thoughts is overwhelming. When I’m having a real bad attack I can’t think straight and I can’t keep my eye on the prize. It feels like my brain is in a free fall and I can’t catch it. The speed makes your eyes water, your heart race, palms sweat.

You’re the driver and you’re white knuckling the whole way. All you want to do is get the fuck off the ride and go home. Sit down, take a deep breath, ease those racing thoughts. It’s like releasing your parachute, you finally have a moment to slow down and collect yourself before you hit the ground full speed.

This wasn’t a full speed panic attack, but it was enough to keep me up later than I was hoping tonight.

Nobody is ever going to be here to stop the train for me, so I better learn how to stop it myself.

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.