O’ sister what’s wrong with your mind? You used to be so strong and stable. My sister, what made you fall from grace? I’m sorry that I was not there to catch you. What have the demons done with the luminous light that once shined from your eyes? What makes you feel so alone? Is it the whispering ghosts that you fear the most? The blackness in your heart won’t last forever. I know it’s tearing you apart, but its a storm can weather.

This blog is going to be hard for me to really articulate the way I hope to. When I listened to this song for the first time about a decade ago it reminded me of one of my sisters. One I haven’t spoken with in all that time. One I’m not sure is even alive. Her name is Tanya, and from what I understand, she always had it hard. Now normally if I’m writing a blog about someone specific or that someone specific inspired, I ask permission, I like to respect the boundaries of others. Shout out to therapy for that one.

Tanya is one of two older sisters I have and boy is her life story a fucking mess. When I used to hear this song Dallas wrote about his actual sister with mental illness, I used to think of my sister who also has mental illness. Now? I think of myself.

Tanya and I certainly have different roads, and different things wrong with us, first I’ll share a bit about her and why this song reminded me of her. Then I’ll share why it now makes me see myself.

Tanya is 10 years older than me, a half sister through my mom with a different father than me. Arguably Tanya’s issues start there. Her dad isn’t exactly dad of the year, he’s spent a lot of time in prison throughout her life and mine. It doesn’t mean shit to be because he’s not my dad, though my dad has also dabbled in the prison system. From what I’ve been told and most of this is hearsay, Tanya wasn’t exactly the favorite child. As long as I’ve been alive she’s always been on sort of the outside, a person who did her own thing for as long as I can remember. Over time Tanya started hanging out with the wrong crowd.

Tanya lied a lot through her teens and I guess 20’s. Honestly I’m not sure how old either of us were the last time we spoke so it’s hard to put ages on things. I guess I was a teenager so she must have been in her 20’s.

Like my parents, at some point tanya became addicted to drugs, a sight anyone could have seen coming. Growing up in not the best city, with not the best family. Add in a sexual assault where the piece of shit who did it got away with it. She got pregnant at a young age and things spiraled. She had a hard time keeping up appearances with being a normal person, holding a job, being a single parent etc.

All this leads to drugs, I won’t speak too much about the drug use as I don’t know where it started or how and if it has ended. I know at some point it was heroin, I know at some point meth. I know she has a total of five kids none of which she has custody. I know she’s either on the streets or in prison, I guess maybe dead if I’m honest, and potentially still on drugs. I guess all this leads a young kid to ask the question “what’s wrong with your mind?”. I hope wherever she is, she’s okay.

Now to how this song ties into my life. I think I have an idea of whats wrong with my mind, what made me fall from grace, and what happened to the light that used to shine in my eyes.

When I was in high school, I wanted nothing more than to fit in, be a part of the crowd. The only tough part? I wasn’t like everyone else. I was poor, real poor. I was smaller than everyone else, both in height and body mass. I wasn’t strong or tough, I couldn’t fight, but I wanted to talk shit like everyone else. Well that often ended with me on peoples shit list. People wanting to fight me, and people hating me. At some point in high school I did what I thought was the right thing, and it changed my life forever. A kid around our aged named George Goodwin was hanging around us one day. My friends and I weren’t friends with George. George was in and out of the system, a real troubled kid. Him being around made my friends nervous that day, so I did what I thought was right to help my friends feel more comfortable. Shot a text to my friends dad who happened to be a detective in the town we lived in. Not 10 minutes later a few cops showed up arrested George and on the rest of us went, at least for now. It didn’t take long for word to get out that I was the reason George got arrested, or at least that’s how people saw it. Let’s make a couple things clear. First, I didn’t commit crimes for George. Two the cops always came around anyways. Three my friends expressed discomfort and I didn’t like that. Four I’d do it all over again, so fuck you to anyone who didn’t like it.

Regardless of me standing by my decision it came at a cost. George wanted revenge. George spread the word that him and his friends were gonna kill me. What is this good fellas? I’m gonna get whacked? While I don’t think he would have actually killed me, I am certain him and his friends would have left a beating I would never forget. I got to a point where I was watching over my shoulder a lot, going out less. Being careful who I hung out with to make sure it wasn’t anyone that would tell George where I was, even though it was my “friends” who would. I never saw George again since that day, but I still have nightmares.

People treated me different after that. Hazed me more, invited me places less. It really bothered me, and I’m not sure I ever processed that. There was an especially bad event that changed me forever. One night at the Waybright school in Saugus, me and my friends were using a torch to burn a whole in a playground slide. Real assholes we were. What I didn’t know is I had an enemy there that night. That enemy went on to put me in a rear naked choke. My friends and I would sometimes do this for fun fooling around never to actually hurt each other. I tapped like I would any other time, except he didn’t stop. Tapping your hand is the universal signal for I give up. He didn’t care. He choked me until I passed out. Rear naked chokes are a blood choke, they’re not really dangerous if you’re trained, which he was. Basically he cut off blood to my brain until I fainted, released, took everything out of my pockets, and ran like a bitch. Waking up was the first panic attack I’d ever had. I felt confused like I was in a dream.

I asked what had happened and my friends said they didn’t know. I was immediately mad at all of them, no one had my back? they thought he was just joking like always. So they say. That was the night I fell from grace, with no one there to catch me. I’m not sure I’ve seen any of them since. That was the night the demons took the light from my eyes. That was the night I felt alone.

What I didn’t realize until very recently is this has been the blackness in my heart. It’s not going to last forever. It’s a storm I can weather now that I know what I need to do.

Let me say this: More negative than positive came from that night, but a few good things did come. one: I’ll always do everything I can to protect people I care about. Two: it led me to Jiu Jitsu which saved my life and introduced me to a group of people I can trust. Three: if someone puts their hands on you, never assume they’re kidding. Four: The person that night turned me into means I owe a lot of people apologies, and I’ll be getting to those sooner than later to help me heal.

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.