Wasn’t tryin’ to meet nobody, see nobody
What I’ve got goin’ on’s a lot for somebody
To deal with ’cause the deal is
I’m still sweepin’ up the pieces
I was just lookin’ for a lighter and a smoke
You were lookin’ too, tryin’ to get to know
My name, where I’m from, what I’m thinkin’
So if you wanna be more than a weekend

Please excuse the mess
I know I’m a little bit everywhere
There’s a hell of a fire in my chest
That ain’t been put out, but I’m gettin’ there
I know I should clean up my act, clean up my mind
So watch your step if you’re steppin’ inside
Ain’t cared enough to pick it up yet, so until then
Please excuse the mess

Most people try to seem perfect, smile on the surface
But the wine and the want-to both ain’t workin’
I apologize for the wreck you might find, might need a little time

Sometimes these things feel like love letters, I guess sometimes they are. I know I’ve been changing and that ain’t changing but I know some people will read this and know I’m still me, just a little different.

Don’t get me wrong there are times where I’ve been the mess, and I’m sure I will be again in the future because we’re human, shit gets messy. The other day my favorite person that’s ever entered my life went on a bit of a rant about how she thinks I’m fantastic and amazing and cool and a man and how she’s silly for not seeing it but she does she it she just needs to work some things out.

This feels like a good reminder for everyone that if someone isn’t willing to meet you where you are, and accept you as you are then they probably don’t deserve you. Everyone deserves someone who loves them regardless of whatever they got going on. Maybe I feel that way because abandonment as a kid or people who have left my life because of my mental health, regardless I think it’s true.

When I met this lovely young lady I wasn’t looking for anyone, I was a bit of a mess. Right person wrong time, but I think eventually, if you’re committed to it, right person right time happens. It’s funny I told her this song sounds like what she says but the truth is I don’t see the mess.

There was a time in my life where if people were unsure or trying to figure it out I definitely wouldn’t have had the patience to wait around for them to figure it out or try to help them but I guess that just means they weren’t the right person.

I’ve never been a love at first sight person I’ve always thought that shits for the birds but I saw her and something in me changed. She does something, without trying, that no one else has ever done for me. She makes me softer and stronger at the same time. She makes me a kinder, gentler person, but also one who’s willing to do whatever to get shit done and I think that’s a feeling and a gift and something I appreciate so much more than words could ever explain.

When she said she needed to figure some stuff out it broke my heart a little, not because I’m in a rush, but because it felt like she felt like I wouldn’t take her as she is. I’m not looking for perfect or complete. I think if you are you miss out on one of the most beautiful things life has to offer; Growth.

Watching someone grow is the coolest fucking thing in the world and being a small part of that growth is even cooler. She’s hard on herself and I can’t be mad at that because I’m hard on myself but she’s grown so much since I met her and every day she becomes a more beautiful, kinder person. So the notion that she needs to be a certain thing or “work” things out before made me sad because there’s no such thing as perfect timing. There’s no such thing as perfect anything. My friend Josh always says “you’ll never be more than 70% sure of any decision you make in life” I can’t tell you where he got 70% but the way he explained it made sense. Him and his wife were together for 12 years before they got married and still when he was standing at the altar waiting for her to walk down the aisle he had what he calls the elvis legs. He couldn’t stop shaking and then his brain starts going and he’s wondering if this is the right thing.

He wasn’t 100% sure, but he was 70% and last week they celebrated their 13th wedding anniversary. We walk through life looking for certainty and well that’s not life. Life is about operating in faith and before you say here comes the god talk, yes I have faith in him but just faith that it’s gonna work out the way it’s supposed to. You can never really be certain.

If you spend your life waiting for the right time you’re gonna die with a whole lot of regrets.

This was a long winded way of saying I’d excuse the mess anytime for this woman. Her mess can be my mess. If she’s not certain that’s ok I’m usually not, but I never want her to feel not good enough. She’s more than enough, more than I deserve and some day if things do work out she’ll never live another day wondering if she’s enough or if she’s loved.

This may be a specific person for me but I bet when you read this you thought of someone too. Tell that person that they’re loved and more than enough. The world needs it right now.

My message to that woman is: I’m not worried about the mess, and take as much time as you need. You always know where to find me.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.