You say I’ll never change
I’m just a-go around town with some gasoline
Just tryin’ to bum a flame
Gonna burn the whole place down
And how do you explain
Ever fallin’ in love with a guy like me in the first place
Then turn around, say that I’m the worst thing?

I guess I’m the problem
And you’re Ms. “Never Do No Wrong”
If I’m so awful
Then why’d you stick around this long?
And if it’s the whiskey
Then why you keep on pullin’ it off the shelf?
You hate that when you look at me, you halfway see yourself
And it got me thinkin’
If I’m the problem, well, you might be the reason

It’s been a very tumultuous week.. at least I think that’s the right word. You know when this album came out, or even this song, I really resonated with it. I had this thought of like yea sure I’m the problem but no one ever tried to correct me or hold me accountable, they just label you as a problem and leave you with that.

I’ve never blamed other people for fall outs in friendships or relationships. I’ve always assumed or known that I did something to ruin it. I did something wrong. I’ve always been quick to own the blame but not look at the action that caused it or behavior that caused it, and owned that and fixed that.

All the articles and interviews I see about Morgan I relate to. Obviously on a much smaller scale because I’m not the biggest country artist on the planet but I’ve always felt this like he’s a punk in a similar way to the way I am. You read and watch interviews now and he just seems like he’s trying to get better and really being conscious of what he goes out doing and who he’s hanging out with and I relate to that too.

I won’t stop listening to his music because I like it and I don’t think he intended it this way but I’ve listened to this album every day since it came out. Could recite it forward and backward. He paints a cool picture of what life as a “redneck” is like. And he says a lot of things I think, but in a spiteful way.

Today I realized the problem with this song. He is a problem and I’m not saying he’s never been provoked or led in a wrong direction but “if I’m the problem, well, you might be the reason” is the wrong attitude. Maybe you’re the problem because of how you grew up or decisions you’ve made. But you can’t admit being the problem and then say well I’m the problem because of this or that, and use that as an excuse.

I was the problem in life, I still am the problem in a lot of my every day battles, and maybe it’s because I saw heroin and a lot of wild shit at a young age. Maybe it’s because I saw my dad steal a cop car and go to prison. Maybe it’s because I was bullied. The list goes on. WHY I’m the problem doesn’t matter though. The fact that I am is what matters, and how I decide to move forward and fix that.

I talk to a lot of people who say you shouldn’t regret how certain things happened because it happened how it was meant to. I do believe everything happens for a reason but sometimes that’s not good enough.

I keep myself up at night, thinking of all the things I wish I could undo, thinking of all the things I wish I could change. It’s funny until a couple days ago I didn’t really fully understand that even if I fixed something I did in the past there’s something I’m doing today that’s wrong.

My last entry I was in a volatile head space and when I was shooting my bow yesterday I realized something. All that negativity isn’t going to help me do what I want to do. All that negativity will slow me down, and it’ll make me into the exact person I hope to not be; My dad.

I love my dad and I think he’s a funny old school Boston guy. That doesn’t mean I don’t see him for what he is, it means I love him anyways. My dad isn’t a good man, and it’s not because he stole a cop car or did drugs or went to jail or insert wild shit here. He’s a bad guy because whatever wound he experienced from his dad, he never fixed, he never dealt with it. He took it out on everyone around him for the last 63???? years. I talk to him all the time, there are days where I ignore his calls and that’s kinda fucked up because some day he’ll die and I’ll wish I could call him. Shit I still have my ex’s dads number in my phone and I press it all the time wishing I could text him. He reminded me of my dad. Just two guys who made a lot of mistakes, are past their prime, and wish they could fix it.

I’ll probably continue to write these because sometimes it’s my indirect way of telling certain people how I feel, but I’ve decided I’ll start keeping a pocket journal with me I can write in when I have a free minute or when I’m hiking or hunting. Something for my kids to read some day, so they can know who their dad was, so they can know family history that I wish I could know. I’ll never get to know who my dad’s dad really was, or his mom, or my mom’s parents. I’ll never know my heritage in the way I want to. Hopefully what I share in those journals will be enough for my kids. To at least know their dad tried. Tried to give them a better life than he had, and hopefully succeeded.

I’m sitting here at work trying not to tear up at the level of peace I feel in this moment. It’s a very selfish sense of peace. There’s a really good person in my life who I was really fucking shitty to in the past. For as long as it’s been I wondered if I’d ever feel a sense of resolve over that, and today I do. She looks like Tate Mcrae, and it turns out Tate Mcrae is her idol. Next week is her birthday and today I sent her two tickets to see Tate in the pit at the garden in August.

It wasn’t just a birthday gift or an apology gift, but a sincere fucking thank you gift. She’s the only person who when I say something or post something she doesn’t agree with she’ll call me out on it. A couple years ago Jordan would have gotten very fucking defensive over that, but these days I appreciate it because it gives me the opportunity to be a better person, and a better man specifically.

Last week I asked her what she thought of the “soft life” trend which apparently is women who want to be stay at home wives. She said “we don’t care about mens opinions of our lives. We just want to be respected and feel safe.”

I had a pit ticket to go see Morgan Wallen at Gillette and I had offered to buy her Tate tickets before which she declined because it was too much. This may come as a surprise but I don’t believe in too much in terms of generosity or kindness. Do the unreasonable thing. I sold the ticket and bought two tickets to Tate also in the pit and transferred them to her. Not as a flex I couldn’t care less about the money spent. Just as a sincere thank you. For the criticisms and helping make me a better person and a better man.

Pastor Josh always says “show me your friend, I’ll show you your future.” Those are the kind of friends you look for. The kind of people you want more of in your life. Your future is bright if you have people like that in your life.

You say I’ll never change.. I guess I’m the problem.

J.