And I’ve been looking for someone to put up with my bullshit
I can’t even leave my bedroom so I keep pouring
And I ain’t seen a light of day since, well, that’s not important
It’s been long
And I was feeling Whitney, me and my homies sip Houston
Cars and clothes, thought I was winning
You knew I was losing
You told me to wake up but my clock always stays on snooze
And I’m done

To each their own and find peace in knowing
Ain’t always broken, but here’s to hoping
Show no emotion, against your coding
Just act as hard as you can
You don’t need a friend
Boy, you’re the man

I was reminded yesterday of how deceitful isolation can be. At church we started a series called “get your ships together”. Obviously a play on the line I’d be more inclined to say, get your shit together. Cussing isn’t godly they say. Before you stop reading this isn’t about church or god, it’s just how I got to the facts.

I go through phases where the anxiety is worse than usual, and I’m in one. I say I’m fine because well I’m not in pain. I’ve been here many times before and like the great Noah Kahan once said “Pain is like cold water, your brain just gets used to it.” So saying I’m fine doesn’t feel like a lie because the anxiety doesn’t hurt anymore, it’s more of a numbing sensation.

I’ve reached points where I can’t leave my bedroom. I’ve reached points where I can’t get out of bed if I don’t have work. In this dark and lonely life, I’ve never learned to show up for myself. I can show up for anyone else. I don’t care enough about me to show up though.

That’s actually one of the things that drove me to religion. They don’t preach self love or self care. I hate when people say that stuff because I don’t believe in it. The church says love god first and everything else will follow. Get your relationSHIP with god in order, and all your other relationSHIPS will flourish.

I’ve been talking a lot about starting over. Sometimes I fall into a daze where I see a life that doesn’t feel so heavy, where I can wake up without needing to be anywhere and go do something I enjoy. Except everyone wants to keep you where you are, because they secretly hate the idea of you going and doing something they wish they could do.

These days if I didn’t have a job I wouldn’t leave my bed. The only reason you see me fishing or shooting my bow is because I’m already up anyways. On the days off it’s not like that.

I said to my sister today I wanna move south. She told me I’d hate it. I asked why considering she hasn’t spent much time in the south. “The weather is worse, hotter, more humid. People are racist, everyone loves Donald Trump.” I realized I had to end the conversation politely because I don’t believe in hating someone because of who they voted for. Josh always says “love them anyways”. He says it as a way of saying you don’t have to see eye to eye with everyone, you don’t have to agree with everyone, just love them anyways.

My response was simple “who someone voted for isn’t a deal breaker for me. I don’t agree with it, but we were given two choices and they made theirs.” Fuck if I was judged by every bad decision I’ve made it would be me on the cross. We’re human, we make mistakes. We fall to propaganda. “well if they voted for him they have fucked up morals and are probably stupid.”

Let’s take a big fucking pause. If you voted for Donald Trump, I don’t agree with you, but I love you. If you voted for Donald Trump I wouldn’t assume that you have bad morals and are stupid for a couple reasons. First of all what’s the saying about assuming? Makes us both fucking stupid or something.

I’d have a conversation with the person and decide from there if they have bad morals, or if they’re stupid. Even then if someone is stupid that makes them a bad person? I’m stupid. I google words all the time. Shit look at my writing it’s probably all fucked up. Morals are different, but just because someone lives by a different moral code than me doesn’t make either of us better than the other.

What’s the deal with these extreme people who aren’t willing to spend time around people who don’t have the exact same opinions as them? Where do you think you’re headed in life? Don’t get me wrong show me your friends I’ll show you your future, but that doesn’t mean every person we pass by on any given day needs to be the same as us. That would be a dull and disappointing world.

My sister wants to tell me I’ll hate the south because it’s hot and humid but shit it’s hot and humid here. At least down there I probably won’t get made fun of for believing in god. People won’t be coming at me sideways for going to church. And I’m not saying moving south is going to fix all my problems. Maybe I will hate it. Or maybe I’ll find a sense of solace that Boston and my family haven’t been able to give me in 30 fucking years.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Well I’ve spent 30 years here doing the same damn thing and fuck me sideways it ain’t working. I can’t sleep at night because of anxiety and I can’t get out of bed in the morning because of depression. Maybe it’s time for a fucking change. Maybe that’s why my mom decided to do heroin. I’m not saying I agree with it or I’m gonna go poke a needle in my arm but god damn. The woman was depressed and anxious. Abusive husband, bunch of kids. It was a way for her to stop feeling all the bad shit she felt. Was it a good choice? No. But I understand it.

I fucking hate it here. I’m leaving. That’s the end of that. From now til the end of the year I’ll go on a few little vacations and find out where I enjoy the most. That’s where I’ll go.

You know in service yesterday when Josh said show me your friends I’ll show you your future, I panicked. Not because I’m hanging out with a bunch of bad people therefore I have a bad future ahead. I spend all my damn time alone. I don’t really have anyone in my life I would call my friend. Does that mean my future is just a long lonely road? If so I’ll live it, but I ain’t fucking living it in weymouth massachusetts. If I’m gonna spend life alone I might as well at least do it in a place that I enjoy being in.

And I’ve been looking for someone to put up with my bullshit
I can’t even leave my bedroom so I keep pouring
And I ain’t seen a light of day since, well, that’s not important
It’s been long
And I was feeling Whitney, me and my homies sip Houston
Cars and clothes, thought I was winning
You knew I was losing
You told me to wake up but my clock always stays on snooze
And I’m done

feels like I have no one to depend on

To each their own and find peace in knowing
Ain’t always broken, but here’s to hoping
Show no emotion, against your coding
Just act as hard as you can

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.