Every now and then I’m amazed at the power of humility, and how it can strengthen you as a person. My buddy Josh says “don’t share your dreams with non-dreamers. Joseph had a dream, wrote it down in his journal, then he said to his brothers; look at what the lord told me. What’d they do? They sold him into slavery and told the dad he’s dead because they were jealous.”

Simply put some people will never understand your dreams because it’s not what they were called to do. I don’t say called by god because not everyone believes in that and I don’t want to exclude anyone. Most people I know believe in some higher power, whatever it may be. So some people will never understand your dreams because it’s not what that higher power puts on their heart.

I believe in god and if you don’t that’s okay I still love you, I don’t judge you for it. I say that because what I’ll share in a moment is based in me believing in god, but it’s just my story, my testimony, it doesn’t mean everyone has to think this way. It’s my story about humility and how I believe it works in my life.

I believe god puts things on your heart. You ever do something or say something to someone and it weighs on your heart a little bit? whether it be because you’re happy about it or regret it? I believe god does that, lets you sit with it. I believe god also puts callings into your heart. The other day I was on my way to work and I had a little extra time so I stopped at the ATM. Most mornings on my way to work I see my dude Brian. Brian is a homeless gentleman who has a dog and lives somewhere by the restaurant. That day I felt called to stop at an ATM get $40 and give it to Brian because it was gonna be hot out for a few days. When I see Brian I call him by name, ask how he is, ask if I can pray for him. Sometimes I don’t have cash with me to give to him but I just make sure he feels seen, like a person.

That’s not just me being a generous person, that’s god calling me to be kind to the people in this world, regardless of what they have going on. Brian clearly had a hard hand dealt to him and he’s going through a battle. He’s lost and broken, but that doesn’t mean we overlook him. Brian might even be hopeless, and so it’s our job to be the hope. To feed hope into him. Through money, prayer(positive thoughts or manifesting if thats what you call it).

I couldn’t sleep the last two nights, I’m not complaining, but I couldn’t sleep because god has put something on my heart. Something the only way to get passed is through humility and admitting my faults.

About this time last year I had a falling out of sorts with a young woman, I said some very mean and untrue things. Heck I even wrote a really mean one of these about her. We recently kind of mended things, not to my satisfaction but one thing at a time. My hearts been heavy thinking about her and why I was that way because as I approach 30 I’m currently focused on all my failures in life, and how in the next 30 years of my life I can be a better person, a better man specifically.

If you asked me a couple years ago I’d say I don’t want 30 more years, but I become less pessimistic every day. I’d like another 45 to 50.

As I reflect on the last 30, I really focus more on the last 3 because for a lot of my 20’s I was stuck in this pattern of bad behavior and in a relationship and I’ve already made my peace with all of that. However if I’m going to accept all the hard times and loss I went through during that time then it has to be for something, and that something is me being better than I was. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

So for the last two sleepless nights I’ve been thinking about how I was supposed to be better to this person, and while I figured out why I wasn’t, it doesn’t excuse the behavior. I wasn’t better to this person because I keep everyone at arm’s length, and if I had treated her more kindly she may have broken down a wall, and a year ago I saw that as weak. Now I just see it as a part of life I need to get used to or I’ll always experience this same falling out. I’ll never experience the connection we’re supposed to be experiencing.

I don’t know what to make of this feeling, I feel called by god to ask this person how their heart is, but that can be a big question, with a tough answer, and I need to recognize that 1. I can’t help everyone and 2. Not everyone wants help, especially from me.

There’s humility in admitting you’ve been acting in an unacceptable way, in admitting you’re not in control, and admitting that your problems don’t give you permission to be fucking mean to people. Especially kind people that don’t deserve it. More humility in the future.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.