Been talkin’ to a doctor, been talkin’ to the Lord
Cut off a couple people, that don’t hear from me no more
They say it’s for the better, but is it really for the best?
They said I’d get more sleep, but I ain’t gettin’ any rest

Ooh, nothing’s changed, in a way it’s gettin’ way worse
Way worse
Ooh, don’t think I’m doin’ myself any favors
Favors, since I

Kicked the bottle, kicked the bag
Scratched the Broadway off the map
Baby, that’d work if I was someone else
Kicked the strangers out my bed
Kicked the voices out my head
Did my best but I just can’t kick myself

Everybody on the outside, it’s easy lookin’ in
Probably think I’m doin’ great like, “Take a look at him
He’s gone and straighted up now, he’s finally walkin’ lines”
I ain’t lyin’, I was probably doin’ fine

I remember in 2023 I struggled with sleeping so much that I would stay awake every night until I physically couldn’t anymore. During that time everyone around me was telling me all the habits I had that I had to kick. Letting anxiety and panic control me, being fearful in every day life.

When I listen to this song I relate in some ways because I’ve always had habits that weren’t good for me. Never substance abuse issues but my mental health has always caused me to make poor decisions in terms of self sabotage or being overbearing.

I’ve talked to doctors, I talk to the lord every day. I’m slowly cutting people off but I’m not sure it’s for the best reasons. I’m going through a period of I don’t want to be a burden on anyone so I’d rather just isolate and figure it out on my own.

Whatever quality people possess that makes people stay in your life, I don’t have that. It’s been challenging because I skipped church on Sunday (father’s day isn’t really a good time for me) and I got texts asking if I was okay because in the last 7 months I’ve only missed church 3 times. I was fine but I find myself distancing from everyone, all the things that made me feel a sense of community. People at work, people at church. I find myself spending more and more time alone.

I’ve realized no matter how hard I try to kick the habits that my psychiatrist has deemed problematic, I’m still me. As much as I try to change that it feels like I can’t sometimes. I can kick certain things, but I’m still me.

I talked to her about my desire to move to Tennessee and she hit me with a question that was hard.. Hard to reflect on and hard to answer.

“What’s in Tennessee? Are you running from something or towards something?”

The answer is both. I’m running from my past and my childhood. I’m running towards what feels like a new life. It got deep because I was talking about how as much as I don’t want to hurt my parents feelings, 2025 was the year I realized I want kids… Three to be exact. Two boys and a girl ideally. When I realized that I also realized I don’t want to have kids while my parents are alive. They’re so fucked up and difficult to deal with that sometimes it feels like it would be easier to wait til they pass to have kids, then I never have to explain to my kids who or what my parents were, instead I can tell them they passed and only share the good stories.

The hard part of wanting kids when you grew up the way I did is I never want my kids to know the life I had to live. I want them to live the life I wish I did. Or used to wish. I used to wish I grew up normal with present parents and didn’t see the horrible things I saw in my childhood, but without that I’m not me today, so I’m grateful I grew into who I am, and grateful I had to suffer to get here. I never want my kids to know that side of life though. I want to protect them from all those bad things.

On the outside it’s easy to assume I’m doing well. I work for a good company, in good company, doing good things. I get to go fishing multiple times a week, now I have a bow so I can hunt this fall. I have a group of people in my corner at church. Only question remains why does it all still feel so empty?

Sure in some senses I’ve gone and straightened up, but deep inside me I still feel like I’m trash, like I’m nothing and I don’t know if and when that feeling goes away.

Kick the shit that I used to use
But I just can’t kick myself

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.