Everything’s still pretty much the same ’round here
Neighbors still shooting all of next year’s deer
Boys still lose ‘less they’re playing at home
But I got better since you got gone

I’m still a few too many on a Friday night
I still try to step in when it ain’t my fight
I’m still me, don’t get me wrong
But I got better since you got gone

Swear it was like I’ll be damned
I’m finally back to being who I am
When we were over, it was overnight
Light came on
It all felt right when it all went wrong
You turned me loose
Wasn’t no telling who I’d turn into
But it turns out, me and you together’s why it took so long
‘Cause I got better since you got gone

I have about 5 months til I turn 30, I’ve gone through all the feelings about it and I’m sure I’ll continue to do so until the day. This is the first time I’ve actually felt like a birthday meant something. I enter this next decade feeling like I got better, but also like so much of the last 10 years is missing.

From the week before I turned 21 to a month before I turned 27 I was in a relationship, and looking back on it, it dulled who I really was. I wish I could say it was over night, but the battle of getting over that loss was longer than it should have been. I got so wrapped up in the relationship that I lost myself, and any pieces of the person who existed before it. After I was stuck feeling like I couldn’t let go because that relationship was who I identified as.

Now I sit here and realize who I was during it, and that person I was afraid of losing. They weren’t me. I don’t realize it without Josh and the book “Wild At Heart”. I was dutiful in that relationship, and docile. I was a good boy, but not a man. I did the things I was asked of by the woman I thought was my future wife, until March 24th, 2022.

See she may have left in October of that year for another guy, but I checked out long before that. I checked out when I realized I met the woman I still believe to be my future wife, and that the woman I was with wasn’t her. I realized it because I caught a glimpse of a woman who lived wild, free.

My ex was great but at the end of the day she played everything safe and we both got to a spot where we were comfortable and afraid to move from it. Let me just say if you’re comfortable in life, you’re not where you’re supposed to be. It ain’t supposed to be comfortable.

It’s supposed to be scary, wild, lawless. It’s supposed to be a fun adventure, not some play it safe because that’s what society says.

I recently started fishing, I used to fish as a kid, and while those aren’t the best memories doing it now has unlocked something in me that I can’t explain and quite honestly I’m having time controlling it. All I wanna do is be out in the woods now, by the water fishing. I don’t even care if I catch anything I know I’m meant to be out there.

I remember when duck dynasty first came out, that show hit for me. I immediately wanted to move to the swamps and hunt ducks and do all the dumb redneck shit those guys do. Except I’m a city kid who couldn’t afford that lifestyle.

I was turned loose and through the power of suffering, and the power of getting to know god, this is who I turned into. I think a lot about how as I approach 30 in a lot of ways I’ve failed in life. Now I’m starting to think I only failed based on the crap society we live in.

You approach 30 with a failed engagement, sold your first house, don’t have a partner or kids, in this world that feels like failing. I wanna say on the bright side I go fishing every single day but that’s at least a little immature. I guess on the bright side I’m not wasting my time in a relationship that wasn’t meant for me. Living in a house I hated.

I won’t lie 30 makes me nervous. I feel like I’m supposed to be in a place I’m not in, and not sure how to get to. These days if I’m not working I’m out fishing and talking to god about the things I want in life. How some days I don’t see a way forward but I know through him salvation is definite. Some days I go fishing alone and don’t even pay attention to the fish, I just talk out loud about what I want my life to look like, and ask for guidance of how to get there. I believe god will offer that guidance, but some believe it’s the universe or mother nature.. unicorns whatever.

You turned me loose
Wasn’t no telling who I’d turn into
But it turns out, me and you together’s why it took so long
‘Cause I got better since you got gone

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.