You gave me your heart, gave you heartbreak (I let you down)
Sorry I’m lost in this dark place (I’ll fight it out)
Somehow I’ll make it to Sunday
I promise I’ll be coming back

I might die on the highway
With all my regrets, uh
I’ve been driving for miles and miles and miles
I can’t see where it ends, uh
I’ve been trying to find ways
To tell you how I feel, yeah
But I can’t tell you goodbye
Because I know it’ll hurt if I let go of the wheel

I’ve been reading this book called “wild at heart” by John Eldredge. Pastor Josh gave it to me as he sees how often i’ve been going fishing and spending time in nature. He also knows I wanna spend time out west and go hunting and have guns and do all the things most people associate with certain political views.

The idea behind the book is that men never really stop being the little boy they once were. Little boys are wild, they’re always searching for adventure. Men are the same way. He says a man searches for a few things in life: A battle to fight, an adventure to explore, and a beauty to rescue.

He talks about how men are becoming less masculine for two reasons. 1. Society wants us that way. 2. Our fathers are not instilling in us that we are men and we have what it takes to be men. How every man has a wound often caused by his father. The perfect example is my dad never told me I was a man. He abandoned me for years to do heroin. When I started experiencing panic attacks he essentially told me I was a bitch for not just dealing with it like a man. That all takes its toll.

Eldredge goes on to talk about how many men will look to women for the validation that they have what it takes to be a man, but often women don’t want that. He tells a story of a young woman who broke up with her boyfriend because she constantly had to validate that he had what it took. This reminded me of my own spiral a few years ago.

During my mid 20’s I relied on my partner at the time to validate that I was a man and had what it took. Eventually she got sick of it and left. In the book Eldredge says the woman said the man would thank her someday. Given the opportunity I’d thank my ex today. I’d thank her because who I was during that time isn’t who I was meant to be. Without the spiral of losing her I’d never become the man I am today. She didn’t do it for me, but the path that followed that break up answered the question I had, that every man has. Do I have what it takes? I do.

I’ve gotten a bit traditional in my views of what a man is and how he’s supposed to treat a woman, and while a lot of people wouldn’t appreciate that I’d like to make something clear. These traditional views aren’t suggesting women can’t do things, or shouldn’t do things. These views are that women shouldn’t HAVE to do certain things.

When god created woman, he created a superior creation to man, and with that comes things that women shouldn’t have to do. See for me I’d only date a godly woman because faith has become an important part of my life and dating in missionary would never last. Jesus wanted us to avoid those types of things not because of morals, but to protect our hearts from pain.

For me dating a godly woman means a few things. If you go on a date, you pick her up and you drop her off because you’re the protector, not because she can’t protect herself, but because she shouldn’t have to. You don’t try to take advantage of her sexually, because purity is the mans responsibility. You pay the bill because you’re the provider. So on and so forth. Again traditional views but not because women CAN’T do these things, they shouldn’t have to.

I’ve been listening to this song a lot recently, about essentially deciding to let go of the steering wheel while you’re on the highway. This song has hit something deep in me. While I’m not suicidal, I do feel trapped. I feel trapped in a world I don’t belong in, doing things I’m not meant to be doing. The hard part is that capitalism has ruined the way of life I believe in. We live on the land not with it.

I feel trapped because the world requires me to work 40+ hours a week to be able to live. To work some job in some building but that’s not what I feel deep in my soul like I’m supposed to be doing. In my soul I believe I’m supposed to be out on the land, hunting, fishing, chopping wood, just living the way the native American tribes did. We were never meant to work in offices, throw away what’s truly in our hearts for a paycheck.

These days I spend most of my time trying to figure out a way to make enough money to leave. Enough money to buy a house on land in a rural area, where I can raise a family. I don’t want my kids to grow up in the city. I want them to grow up with good values, around kind hearted people. The city isn’t a kind place. It’s cut throat, and not where kids belong. I want enough land that my kids can spend time on it, playing pretend, and exploring the adventures within their hearts. Not playing on an Ipad.

This is where I get conflicted. Some days letting go of the wheel seems like the only option because the dreams I have are only getting further away, and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep living this bullshit city life. I need clean air, wild animals. To be far from people. It burns deep in my soul to live that life. I’m just not sure this world will ever give me that opportunity.

And I don’t want to go down this road by myself
No I don’t want to be the story
That others tell

The guy who died on the highway
With all his regrets
He was driving for miles and miles and miles
Couldn’t see where it ends
He was tryna find ways
To tell her how he feels
But when he looked in her eyes
He could tell she was hurt so he let go of the wheel

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.