Well, I’m the problem is finally here, and did you think I wasn’t gonna have something to say?

I love this album. I love new music this time of year. Spring for me is always a season of growth and change. No different this year I’m growing and changing. This album hits all the things I hoped it would. The sad heartbreak songs, The songs about not wanting to live in a city(Miami). The songs about being a good friend. The song about that one night you spent with a woman you still think about(I have one in mind). The most important song, the song about the person you love and you don’t get close to anyone else just in case one day they come around.

What I Want is a great song and it makes me sad to see Tate Mcrae get shit for being on an album with Morgan Wallen because it was a great combo.

Despite the title, this entry isn’t about that song, but about what I actually want.

I talked with my psychiatrist today, who probably thinks I’m more insane than she ever has. I talked about how in the last month I got baptized, my anxiety has essentially left the building, I had a very important friend join me at church, and that’s where we took a turn. I had told her a friend came to church on Easter with me, and like a dummy I paused before I said friend. She said tell me about this friend. I told her what I tell everyone and what I’m about to tell you.

Hopefully she doesn’t get too mad at me for using her name. My friend who joined me at church on easter is Kelly. I met Kelly March 24, 2022 when we worked together. I only remember the day because when I met her in an instant my life changed. I was engaged, with a house and a dog at the time. The moment I met Kelly and looked into her kind eyes I knew that the person I was engaged to wasn’t who I was supposed to marry, because if she was, when I saw Kelly my insides wouldn’t have started doing backflips.

It’s funny I remember the first time I worked with Kelly and the last. I remember leaving the last night and on the way home I thought about how the only reason I didn’t leave my fiance was because I was comfortable and afraid. I was comfortable in life, and afraid of how it would change if I said I can’t get married and left. That turned me into a selfish shitty partner and life did that for me, but I wish I’d done it sooner. Today I could walk away from anything in life and be at peace because I have a god. A god that has called on me to do the things I’m doing with the people I’m doing them with. Pastor Josh always says “you’re in the right place, at the right time, with the right people, doing the right thing.” I love that guy and I love that saying.

I didn’t know how I’d keep in touch with Kelly but knew I had to, so obviously I followed her on instagram. When my fiance left and I was in a bad spot I remember Kelly was the person I’d talk to, she was my escape from a horrible reality. Or what I thought was a horrible reality. At the time she lived in Italy and I worked nights, so it worked out that we got to DM a lot. I remember asking her if we could go on a date when she moved back and she always said yes. We dm’d for nearly two years before I had the courage to ask for her phone number never mind a date. I knew though. When you get baptized the days leading up and following are intense. You have a lot of visions, you’re praying a lot. It’s a wild experience. When I was under that water I saw a full life in the 5 seconds I was under there. The week before on Easter Kelly had come to church with me. I was in a video we made about testimonials and what god can do in your life. I was blessed enough to be a part of that video and impart hope in some of the 2,651 people who showed up that day. It was the first time I’d seen her since the last time we worked together. Almost two years. When we sat down in seats I asked pastor Josh to reserve because I wanted her to get the full experience I got a notification on my watch. “Your heart rate has reached 120 bpm while you’re sitting still.” Basically telling me if I didn’t calm down my heart was gonna explode. After service I walked Kelly back to her car and went back in as we had 4 services that day. When I went back in pastor Josh asked who my friend was and I didn’t know how to explain it so I just got quiet and nervous, a side of me he’s never seen. My boss came up and said who was your friend and I said can I be honest with you, he said please.. He doesn’t like lies. I said I believe in my heart that she’s my future wife. He said and how does she feel? I said she doesn’t really know. He laughed and said understood. I don’t know how you tell someone that from the moment you met them the only thing you wanted to show them was the love and kindness they deserve.

I love people who are reserved because when they open up to you, you know it’s real. Kelly is reserved, but she’s opened up about a lot of things to me. Sometimes it’s hard to keep track of and it’s important to me that she feel loved so I make notes of all the little things no one would know. Like her height, favorite colour, flower, cut of steak, the fact that she hates the word meat, likes lamb, likes baseball hats(and looks stunning in them), hates fish but likes sushi???? Her birthday, favorite diamond shape, loves sour dough bread, everything bagels, her nieces name and of course the fact that she’s a skinny queen. I keep that one in there because those are her words not mine, even though I agree, and sometimes she says unkind things about herself and I have to remind her what she said.

I bet most people don’t know all of those things, and the things I didn’t share, because most people like to talk about themselves, not hear about others. Most people don’t know someone well enough to buy them a custom charm necklace that actually represents the person. She’s the only person I’ve ever cared to know all that about. I tell her all the time I’d like to take her on one date but it’s going to be a long day because just because you’re blessed enough to get one date doesn’t mean you get two so we’d have to do all the things I think she would enjoy.

Eat pizza, drink wine, go bowling, go to rick walkers or tecovas for cowgirl boots. end the night on the beach dancing in the sand drinking shitty beer and listening to country music. I’ve never wanted to dance with someone in my life. What I Want out of the date is simple: To see her be unapologetically herself, because I know she never has before.

Man I realized my purpose, in her life, and hers in mine. God brought her into my life to teach me patience. In Genesis 29 the bible talks about Jacob. Jacob loved a woman named Rachel and worked for her dad for 7 years to marry her. He said it only felt like a few days because he loved her so much. After 7 years Rachel’s dad made him work another 7 for her and he did. After 14 years he got to marry the girl he loved. My purpose in her life is to teach her that she is worthy of love. True unconditional love. My purpose is also to show her love. True unconditional love. It’s a blessing to have the opportunity to do that.

I can’t say if I’ll ever get that date, that’s her decision. Ultimately what I want though? Her to be happy, loved, and at peace. Regardless of what that means of my place in her life. With me in it or not I pray every day for those things.

I never fall in love, baby, just in case.

I’d also have to ask her dad for permission because that feels like the right thing to do. I leave you with my favorite prayer for her.

Philippians 1:3 NLT “Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my god.”

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.