I went out last night,

Got drunk and a little high,

Told me you don’t mind,

Then we still just fight

How’d we end up back where we started?

Half still in love, half knows we lost it

I’m out of town, while you’re back in Boston,

Turning my trust into your problem,

Honey I could be all you needed,

You’re not made to believe it.

It’s been a minute. I haven’t really felt the need in my heart to write lately. When I decided to start writing this dumb this I always said I’d write when I felt called to it, and I’d never force it. Well this song has called me back to it.

This song sounds like a conversation I’d have with someone I know, and aside from that it brings up a whole bunch of feelings.

I’ve been listening to a lot of music recently that wouldn’t be in my normal mix. A lot of country, a lot of Morgan Wallen. A guy I wanted to hate for the longest time but have come to realize that maybe I hated him because we’re a bit similar. He’s put out some new songs recently and “I’m the problem” really holds a place for me. I think him and I are problems in different ways. I’m not throwing chairs off roofs…yet.

When I listen to that song I think about I’m the problem in a lot of ways. I was born into a generation that emotionally couldn’t be more opposite of me. We exist in this ethos of making it cool to not care. People just ghost each other without reason and don’t really respect each other. It’s not something that as I sit here right now I can fully understand. One of the greatest joys in my life is caring for other people. Loving other people. It brings me a sense of purpose and fulfillment. In a generation where loving and caring doesn’t matter, I don’t belong. I’m the problem. I’ll get that tattooed on me some day soon.

Back to the song at hand though, Made to believe it. If any of you don’t follow me on social media, I’ve been on a bit of a godly journey, in fact I get baptized tomorrow, which I think is where some of these feelings are coming from. I don’t talk about it as much as I’d like to because it’s another thing you get judged for. The irony behind that is Jesus didn’t judge. In fact Jesus surrounded himself with the lost, the broken, the sinners. The religious righteous didn’t have a seat at Jesus’ table.

This godly journey has taken me out of my head. I used to overthink everything, and now I don’t. I make decisions based on what I feel in my heart not in my head. I make decisions based on my gut, and what I feel called to do, not what I think about doing. Which it turns out are very different things. It allows me to worry less, and to trust more. I trust that I’m on the right path, and that if I continue to follow what I feel called to do, I won’t ever be in the wrong place.

I won’t share what I feel called to do though, because we all believe in a higher power. You call it the universe, I call it god. That higher power has called us all to do something, but I don’t share what I feel called to do because you may not understand it, as you were not called to do it. I was made to believe. You may not have been and that’s okay.

I was made to believe in loving people the way I do, and if it’s too much for them, that doesn’t change my calling. They just don’t understand it because we exist in a world full of people who are very focused on not showing that they care out of fear. Fear of being hurt, or being seen as vulnerable.

You can live a life of fear but it won’t stop you from being hurt, or finding yourself into vulnerable places. See I believe you can feel fear but you can’t live in it. If you feel fear talk about it, to yourself, to a friend, whatever. Don’t operate in it though or you’ll miss a lot of beauty.

In Germany engineering is very strict. If there’s a 1% chance of failure they focus on that because they don’t want to take the risk of failing. For me if there’s a 1% chance of success it’s worth trying. Instead of thinking of what could go wrong, think of what could go right.

There’s another line in this song that weighs heavy on my that I’d like to share in closing.

“No your mind’s not well, and I blame myself.”

I recently had someone say they didn’t want to “fuck with my head” and while my mind is often not well, nobody can blame themselves, even if their actions do affect it. It’s my mind, it’s my job to maintain it, no one else.

Honey, I could be all you needed. You’re not made to believe it.

where the sKies Are Gold not gray,

The problem.