Darkness bow down to the day
Mountains get up out my way
Breaking out of yesterday
I got a new thing coming

If you told me at any point in my 29 years that I’d become religious I would have laughed in your face. Growing up there was so much trauma and dark time that I didn’t believe there was a god, and I always said if there is a god he hates me.

There’s so many things people call what I’m experiencing, some people call it spirit, some people call it placebo, some people call it religion. I think when you don’t have the path you wanted to have it’s easy to find yourself in a hopeless place. When you feel like you have nothing to lose, is when you start winning.

I had nothing to lose by walking into All People. Either I’d go find it interesting and keep going, or I’d go and leave thinking what a bunch of freaks. I’ll be honest I was skeptical until this week. This week god showed himself to me. This week I got a better understanding of my purpose. My purpose is simple, give people hope.

I know what it’s like to be hopeless, to hit rock bottom, to want to take your own life. The truth is none of that is the true reality of what you’re living in. The way society is now when we struggle we don’t want others to know so we isolate. Isolation is deceitful.

In isolation you can tell yourself it’s okay to not be okay.

In isolation you can tell yourself what makes you feel better about where you are.

In isolation you can convince yourself that you’re not worthy.

In isolation…

It is okay to not be okay. However if you’re not okay and your way of dealing with it is shutting down and isolating, I’m here to tell you that’s not okay. We are all we have in this conscious life. Sure you can pray and god will answer. Sure you can talk to god and he will guide you. In conscious life, we have each other. So if you’re not okay, talk to someone. It’s not okay to not be okay and take your problems out on the people around you.

It is okay to go to a friend and say hey I’m not feeling myself I got this going on.

At church this past Sunday I went up to my boss Gardy in between services, I said hey man I need you. He pulled me aside and said what’s going on. I told him working at his company I feel apart of something worth being a part of for the first time in my life, but I’m afraid that one day he’ll decide I’m not good enough and let me go, and I started to cry and then I got mad that I was crying. His response?

It’s okay to have the fear of abandonment, but if you leave craft food halls or you leave all people, the next place you work or the next place you find worship or community will be filled with people who didn’t see how much energy you put into being who you are. And why are you mad that you’re crying? You’re allowed to feel, there’s no reason to hold it in. You’ve recognized the problem, now sit with it. Rest. God will give you the answers. You are not the problem he said. That one broke me.

Whenever people decide I’m not good enough, or leave my life I assume it’s because I’m not good enough, or I’m the problem, there’s something wrong with me. For the first time someone said hey man, it’s not you. Also you’ve let it out, god knows what you need, now rest and allow him to give you what you need.

You know I can’t pretend I’m some perfect christian. It’s been a learning process and I learn a little more every day. I can say I’ve prayed for things, and god has given me those things. I can say I’ve asked for guidance and it’s been shown to me. I’m not a saint though. I still sin, I’m learning and working not to, but I really like the word fuck so letting it go is going to be hard.

If letting go of a life of sin means the continued blessings I’ve been experiencing, like community, meeting new beautiful people, being pushed out of my comfort zone, then some day I’ll say fuck for the last time.

God knows it’s going to take some time. He’ll be patient with me as long as I continue to spread hope and his good word.

I’m sure some of you will never read this blog again, and that’s okay. We’re in a new season.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.