I’m coming up slowly
I’m high on emotion
With waves of this feeling
As light as the ocean
And then I see you
When I feel like I’m drowning
And then I see you
It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m okay, I’m alright again
It’s okay, I’m okay, it’s okay

Disclaimer this is a long story but I think there’s a good pay off.

Four times in my life I’ve struggled with agoraphobia, A.K.A the fear of leaving the house basically. First time was junior year of high school. I started having panic attacks and I didn’t know what they were, I just knew I started anticipating them so I’d avoid places they happened until I stopped leaving the house completely for about 6 months. Started leaving the house again, in a restaurant, and then another restaurant.. The rest is kind of history. Back in 2018 was the second time this bull crap arouse. I had got fired from a job in May, a job that if I didn’t get fired from would have killed me.

Getting fired for the first time in my life really threw me off. I knew then what I know now, I’m good at my job, I’m a good bartender, and I’m good at running beverage programs. I lost all sense of confidence in who I was and what I could do. after a summer in the house I finally started going out again, then in early 2019 I started working for my mentor. Things were good, I was going places. Working for Tom is still to this day one of the greatest joys I’ve had in this life. Some day when I open a place of my own I’ll find ways to pay homage to him, for he made me a better man. When I met Tom it was kind of like meeting what I always wished my dad was, and they’re around the same age, and he busted my balls the same way my dad did. The difference is he also taught me to be a respectful man, a man of integrity. Some day if I ever have kids, Tom is what I would name my son. So anyways the pandemic hits, and things get off track.

Some unfortunate things happened in Tom’s life and while unfortunate, they gave him the freedom he needed to go live where he’d rather be, in California. It left me wondering who my next mentor would be or if I’d ever accept someone else as my mentor. Truth be told there are people of influence in my life, but when I’m really in it Tom is still my first call.

2020 I spent the year renovating my house and waiting for restaurants to be open in a way where I could actually connect with people, which didn’t come until 2021 in Massachusetts. During that time I also did a bunch of wood working and honestly reached a point where I wasn’t sure I’d go back to restaurants, ultimately over the years I’ve realized it’s where I belong, with the misfits, making people feel the two things I’ve always wanted to feel. Seen. Heard.

Anyways in late 2021 it hit again, I stopped leaving the house because the panic attacks were at an all time high. I was working at Bar Volpe and super happy to be there, Chef Karen is such a kind person and that restaurant… It was vibrant. Anyways I caved to the pressure of panic and quit. A choice I still regret. In December of that year I proposed to my girlfriend of 5 years. She had always hung by in the hard times and did whatever she needed to do for both of us. She was a rock for nearly 6 years.

Ultimately that time of agoraphobia was the last straw in our relationship. Even after I got out of it after about 6 months and started working again in May things were never the same. I worked all through that summer and in October of that 2022 she left. It’s kinda strange how life can be full circle sometimes.

Last saturday would have been Presley’s 10th birthday, since I was headed to Salem to get her tattooed on me that day I made a pit stop on the way at Total wine in Danvers I believe. I had to get a bottle of wine for a young woman who did me a favor. I had to eat before my tattoo and so I stopped at Kelly’s roast beef. I was sitting there for a few when I realized, the day my finance said she didn’t want to get married, the only thing we did together after that was go to that Kelly’s, and put Presley to rest a few months later. Weird how it was that day, like I was supposed to be there.

To be honest since she left I haven’t been the same person, and I don’t necessarily mean in a bad way. There are ways it’s bad, but I’ve become a more open, gentle, loving, and vulnerable person too and I don’t think any of those things are bad. To contradict myself I also find ways to not let people in because if I don’t let people in they can’t leave. Which is where I’m going with this if you’ll allow me to continue.

After she left I threw myself into my work, I worked 6 or 7 days every week, and then got a new job. I worked as a bartender at Alcove starting in February of 2023, I figured fuck it new year let’s start over. A few weeks after I started I had to put Presley to rest. The two year anniversary is one week from today, it’s already haunting me. Once she was gone I didn’t have anything stopping me from working, so I worked a consulting job and bartended full time. I was never home, I wasn’t sleeping a lot, it was great. After a few months of that it finally caught up with me July 1 of 2023, the panic attacks got so bad I stopped leaving the house…. Again.

This time I didn’t have a support system so the first couple weeks were some of the worst days of my life. I didn’t leave the house again til April of 2024. 9 months I spent in my room, not talking to people much, nearly no interaction with people in person. I was the worst I’d ever been and I didn’t know how to get out. I had some not great ideas on how to get out that I won’t share because thoughts like that don’t come through my head anymore. During that time I did a ton of therapy, adjusted my meds, did exposure therapy. I felt a sense of accomplishment when I was able to make it to whole foods. It’s about a mile from my house. I had no one and I had nothing, so any distance felt like a win.

I used to sing this song to myself when I’d go to whole foods. The anxiety was still there and very pressing, I was just learning to work with it instead of run from it. I’d sing the line “it’s okay I’m okay” over and over and keep playing the song over and over. Sometimes I think hearing someone else say it was the only thing that made me believe it.

I always reflect around anniversaries of things, good or bad. This is my reflection of how I got to where I am today.

What’s interesting about where I am today is I still have anxiety and panic attacks, but I no longer believe they have the power to control me. Pastor Josh always says “you’re in the right place, at the right time, with the right people, doing the right thing.” and to be honest I’m still unsure of that. What I do know is whether you call it god or the universe. There is something greater than us out there, and if you surrender yourself to it, you can live a better life. I used to allow whatever negative energy exists in the universe keep me down, in my little corner of the world, with my little thoughts, and my closed mind. I used to let that negative energy control me and allow it to create anxiety and fear in my life. Today I don’t. I surrendered a couple of days ago to the good in the world. I call it god, you’re free to call it what you like. I do believe that if you surrender to god, the universe, unicorns, whatever you believe in, your life will feel lighter.

I’m not sure I’m in the right place with the right people at the right time doing the right thing. I’m not sure I’ll ever find the love I lost in life. But I am sure of one thing:

It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m okay, I’m alright again

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.