Love, let’s talk about love
Is it anything and everything you hoped for?
Or does the feeling haunt you?
I know the feeling haunt you

You know, as I travel through time and space I learn that you can choose to look at things one way or the other. Glass half full or half empty kind of thing. I recently learned a valuable lesson, it’s been a lesson that has been making it’s way to me for a long time, through life, through people. It’s easier to live life half full than half empty.

Living life with the idea that the glass is half empty is draining, it’s exhausting. It takes all your energy to be that way.

Living life with the idea that the glass is half full is motivating, it’s energizing. It’s a boost to your life, to your cognition.

I grew up believing that life was half empty because my parents preached that, my family preached that.

A couple years ago I went through a lot of loss, and on saturday would have been Presley’s 10th birthday. I got her at 2.5 years old, she passed away 12 days after her 8th birthday. So in the next couple of weeks I have to face her birthday, and the day she died. During that time I was also being left by my fiance for another gentleman, and selling my house.

I could very easily tell you that love is not what I thought or wanted it to be, and that it haunts me. Part of that would be a lie. Love is everything I wanted it to be, and everything I thought it was. Just because that love no longer exists in my life doesn’t mean it wasn’t one of the most incredible things to feel and experience.

If that happened to anyone in my family they’d talk about how hard it was and have a pity party. It was hard. It almost broke me. But fuck me if it wasn’t the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. Every damn bit of it. The beginning, the middle, the end, it was all so beautiful. And sure I could sit here feeling sorry for myself because I live a very different life now, but how could you be mad that you got to experience something so beautiful.

At some point everything ends. Nothing is actually forever so, why be mad that it’s over?

My parents abandoned me to do heroin, that was hard, painful, confusing. It also ended. Not just them getting off drugs, but I grew up, I became an adult, I was no longer beholden to them so I could go off and move on from it. Also a beautiful fucking experience. Not while it was happening, but I look back now and if I didn’t get abandoned by my parents, if I didn’t get bullied, I wouldn’t have found my purpose.

Recently I found my vision, or the vision god(or the universe depending on your beliefs) has for me. I had my purpose long before I had my vision. My purpose I found years ago. My purpose is to take care of others, it is why I am here, it’s what I was put on the planet for. I am not here to indulge in selfish acts. I am here to serve others, and to care for others. I only found that through the awful feelings I experienced between my parents and being bullied. I wouldn’t change it because if I changed it, it would change my direction. My direction is exactly where it needs to be and where I want it.

I was talking with someone today and his mom was also an addict. I looked at him and said I think I love so much, and love so hard because I’m compensating for the love I didn’t receive as a kid. I am loyal to people that often don’t deserve it, and loving towards people that often don’t deserve it because I was abandoned, and I wasn’t loved.

I never want anyone to feel what I felt, so I live a life of purpose, on purpose. That purpose is to make others feel things that are the opposite of what I felt.

Now when I say I live a life of purpose, on purpose, I can give you an example. Everything I do, and say has intention behind it. The other day I messaged a friend and asked if she had any food allergies or dietary restrictions. Her response? That’s random but no. It wasn’t random, not to me. I asked that question with intention. I asked with the intention of inviting her to a restaurant that does a tasting menu, so if you have dietary restrictions you can’t really eat there. I’d like to take her there because there’s a shop close by that I want to hear her thoughts about. What they’re doing right and what they’re doing wrong. It’s for a project I’m working on and she has more knowledge about it than I do. She gives me knowledge, I bring her to a place for nourishment. My way of taking care of her.

I am living a life OF purpose, ON purpose.

The purpose is love. I’m living a life of love, for all of those who know what it feels like to feel unloved, or unlovable. These are lies we tell ourselves, but I am living a life of love, for love. Not for my own love. Not for my own self. I live a very lonely life, but in that I spend a lot of my time making sure others feel loved, and never alone.

A life OF purpose, ON purpose.

All the stars are closer

J.