Things felt… heavy yesterday. Not that they necessarily feel any lighter today, but perspective is everything.

In religion it’s said that Jesus Christ died for us, he sacrificed himself so the rest of us could be sitting here right now, heated homes, full bellies, clothes, iphones, whatever.

Now regardless of if you believe in Jesus or god or anything, there’s something powerful that exists there.

After I shared yesterday’s passage some people said my story was one filled with pain, but that some day it would help others. I was very honest and matter of fact in my response. If me sharing my story makes a difference in a single persons life, then all the pain, all the heart break, and dark times, they were all worth it. I would go through pain and dark times with a smile on my face if I knew me doing it meant someone else didn’t have to.

That level of empathy and desire to protect others from those feelings only comes from one thing, it comes from experiencing those feelings. I’m sure it would come to no surprise to any of you that I’ve had days where it felt like giving up was the answer, and I’ve had days where it felt like the only way to stop the pain was to end my life.

I’m here to tell you it’s not. It’s not the only way, it doesn’t even have to be an option. The great Noah Kahan has a song called “pain is like cold water”. Anyone who knows me knows I’ll climb into a cold plunge any chance I get. When you first climb into a cold plunge you can’t breathe, and your first instinct is to get the fuck out. If you fight that instinct for 15, 20 seconds, slowly you catch your breath, and then your heart rate goes down. By 8 minutes it’s not cold anymore, you could keep going, but that’s where it starts to get dangerous, so you don’t.

Pain truly is like cold water. Both physical pain and mental pain. If you’ve ever decided to get a tattoo, when that needle first hits you, you wanna pull away, again instinct. If you pull away you’re going to have a really crappy tattoo. About an hour in the pain isn’t really all that bad. 5 hours in you feel like you could keep going indefinitely. The pain is the same, but the receptors in your brain are used to it.

Mental pain, shit take your pick of the thing that can ruin your mental state. It can be something small like a break up, or something large like someone or something you love dying. The hard part with mental pain is you can’t move and have the pain go away. What happens when you put your hand too close to the camp fire? It gets hot and you move your hand, dummy. What happens when that same receptor is triggered by something internal? It’s not like you can just take your brain out of your head. You’re stuck with it. That stuck feeling is why people get desperate. It’s why they abuse substance, or themselves, or think about suicide. They are trying to run from unimaginable pain, that you can’t run from.

The idea that people get stronger through adversity is one that’s always confused me. There is an argument that it’s true, but you’re not stronger, you’re just used to it. The receptors are no longer flashing red. You’ve become adapt to that feeling. Also as time goes on maybe you think about it a little less.

I think back to late 2022/early 2023 when I had the shittiest 6 months of my life. Some of that did make me stronger, but some of it hurts just as bad today as it did back then. My fiance leaving? Made me stronger, made me better, couldn’t be more grateful for that pain because I know in my heart, at least one person aside from me will benefit from me going through that pain, and as long as it helps one person, it was worth it. My dog dying? It made me more sentimental, but it hurts today like it hurt the day I put her down.

The way I know the difference is when I speak about my past relationship, I don’t get emotional, I recognize it made me a better man, and my life is better for it. When I think back to the day my dog died, instantly I tear up, even when I try not to I do. I don’t talk about it with anybody because I can’t. I physically can’t speak about it because I cry and the words don’t come out. I also don’t talk about it because people have this idea that as humans, we need to move on from things. People don’t understand my choice to not move on from that.

When you experience love like that, and I hope you all do, you never want to forget it. So instead of moving on I do the opposite. I keep her bandana in my pocket every day, I don’t go anywhere without it. Her tags are on a chain around my neck, just like they were on a collar on hers, I don’t take them off. She will always go where I go. She may not physically be here, but from the day I brought her home from the mspca, I won’t live another day without her. That’s a choice.

This was a long winded way of saying; all the shit, all the pain, the darkness, the heartbreak. You went through all of that so you can have all of this. This being the blessings you currently have, and the ones headed to you that you don’t even realize are coming.

I can’t decide how you see things but, I like to think my pain has helped at least one person so far in my life. And I’ll accept all of that, for this.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.