Last week when I was talking with my psychiatrist I realized a unique feeling. Lately I’ve felt unsure of what I want out of my personal life. This is the first time in my life I’m experiencing that, maybe because I turn 30 this year, maybe something just… switched. I’ve never really struggled with what I wanted from my professional life. I’ve accepted that my professional life will never be what I want it to be because I set unrealistic expectations, and I do it on purpose. I do it to make sure I never stop, I’m always driving towards something.

For most of my 20’s I was in one relationship, and until a couple years ago I thought that would be the last relationship of my life, and part of me was really comfortable with that, and the other part was unsure. Well the unsure part won, and to be fair for a bit after that relationship I didn’t care to explore relationships, I wanted to work and be left alone, I isolated, and it cost me in the long run, but hindsight right? I feel like I’m just now evening out. Now all these new questions arise.

I was engaged once, do I want to get married?

I owned a house, and it kinda just felt like a reason to fight with my then fiance, do I want to buy another?

Up until the day my ex told me she didn’t want to get married I was SURE I didn’t want to have kids, but do I?

None of these questions are small, because they’re all big commitments, so they take a lot of thought and consideration. Do I wanna spend all my money on a house and kids? Or keep buying dumb crystal bracelets as an excuse to talk to the absolute beauty who makes them?

Currently I lean towards the latter, but I also feel like Boston isn’t where I’m supposed to be anymore, which is kinda what started the idea for me writing tonight.

I wore a blue jays jersey to work today. Boston people are so close minded that when they saw it they said “aren’t you from boston” Yes I was actually born at Mass General. “Then why are you wearing a blue jays jersey?” Well to be honest, I don’t give a shit about baseball, but the jersey doesn’t say Blue Jays on it, it says TORONTO. I wear it not to represent a team but to represent a city.

When I first started listening to City and Colour and Alexisonfire, and other small bands from Toronto I always said to myself it must be an amazing place because all these great people and great music comes from there. 10 years ago I went to Toronto, and it was everything I thought it would be. I fell in love with that city, I went back a couple years later and the love was still there. It’s like a more polite, cleaner version of Boston. It’s lovely, there’s history, great restaurants, great little shops, it was everything I love about a big city.

We’re about two weeks into this new presidency, and it’s off to a rocky start. The united states is a very divided and hateful place right now, it puts me on edge. The state of California is burning down, Air crafts are crashing mid air, and crashing in general. You can blame whoever the fuck you want for these things, but they’re causing a season of unease. To be honest I’m not afraid of moving because every bad memory I have is in Boston, I just don’t really know how you move to another country, otherwise I’d probably go live in Toronto and never return.

I’m trying to be an optimist these days, so maybe things will settle, but this is not what I want from life, regardless of how unsure I am of what I do want.

Maybe it’s time to hit the road. Toronto is the place, it’s always been the place, and I’ll have an answer tomorrow.

Where the skies are not so gold….

Jordan