I’ll never be as good as I’d like to be
Eternally restless, refusing to believe
But I think that we missed our connection (missed our connection)
I wanted to feel your affection (feel your affection)
Until my final day

Let me first say, I don’t actually wish a specific lover would come back, but this song has always struck a chord with me. Hell maybe even more so when I’ve been in relationships.

The words in this song may resonate more than any other. I’ll never be as good as I’d like to be. Sometimes I don’t think I’ll be good at all. I have this idea of what I’d like to be, and I’m becoming more of that guy every day, but still I find myself not feeling good, or good enough. It makes me restless, I tried to go to sleep an hour ago, but I’m wide awake, laying here listening to this song over and over and thinking.

I don’t believe that we miss connections, I believe everything happens for a reason, and so you don’t miss connections, some just play their course and end. I do believe in the feeling of missing a connection. Feeling like you weren’t the right version of you at the time, or they weren’t the right version of them. I understand too well what it feels like to just want someone specifics affection, and wanting that same familiar connection through the rest of your days.

I’ll sing, lover come back
Lover come back to me
Won’t you ever come back
Ever come back to me?
How could I have been so foolish to let you leave?
Lover come back
Lover come back to me

I think as much as it pains us, sometimes the best thing we can do, despite it being foolish, is let someone leave. Letting someone leave may feel foolish because they felt like they were your one, but sometimes you see that you can’t be what they need you to be, and it’s not fair to keep someone from their needs to fulfill your own. I did that for too long and I’ll never do it again. Seeing someone flourish without you puts a damper on your day, but if you ever loved them it shouldn’t. Part of true love is wanting someone to be happy, even if it costs you your happiness, and your peace. It always comes back around. Sure at first it’s hard but some day when you see them happy and realize you didn’t fuck them up too much, there’s a sense of peace that comes with that.

I am warm enough
Yet I still shiver
I am fed, but still I starve
You know me, I am the great misgiver
Always waiting on the clouds to part

I think being warm enough and still having a shiver, or being fed but still starving is a really beautiful way of saying you’re complete as you are and you don’t NEED someone in your life to complete you or make you feel fulfilled, yet you still long for someone. You still WANT someone in your life to make it just a little more complete and fulfilling. I think that’s a natural human feeling. Humans are meant to connect, and feel connected to the people around them. Sometimes friendship isn’t enough to feel connected.

I’ve always been a misgiver. I doubt the future more than anyone. I am more suspicious as to what the future holds than any person I’ve ever met. I think the fear and doubt of the future comes from the instability I faced as a child. Growing up raised by two heroin addicts, you never know what the future is going to hold, and it gets even worse because your parents tell you lies that you want to believe as a kid, but they were never going to come true.

I can’t wait to be in Toronto in June for the 20th anniversary of the first city and colour record. I remember so vividly how I’d listen to coming home on repeat as a kid, because I didn’t have a home, and all I wanted to do was go to all the places Dallas talks about. Maybe some day I’ll get the chance. I recently found out some of my ancestors settled in Canada before making their way down to Boston. Maybe someday the line Sydney to Halifax won’t simply be a line in a song, but an actual flight itinerary.

Won’t you ever come back
Ever come back to me?

Where the skies are gold not gray,

Jordan.