‘Cause we had everything we wanted
Then we fucked it up
We had everything we needed
But it wasn’t enough
And ain’t it strange how we keep fallin’
In and out of love?
We had everything we wanted
Then we fucked it up

Out on a line
Oh, so thin and frail
But that sparrow will stand
As if it could never fail
Drifting through the tide
In a ship without a sail
Oh, at the mercy of the ebb and the flow
Waitin’ on our love to prevail

And there ain’t no sense
In making things worse
Let’s hold on tight
And we’ll try to break this curse

Ever see something on the internet that feels like you weren’t supposed to see and it sends you down a hole?

I went on facebook today because I’ve been looking at motorcycles, and the first thing that popped up was that my ex was tagged in a post. I don’t use facebook much but surely thought I had deleted her, since I unfollowed her on instagram.

The post was an announcement that she’s opening her own hair salon and immediately I realized a couple things.

First, when we were together I would tell her to open her own salon because I believe she’s very talented and it didn’t make sense for someone else to make money off her work. She always said she never wanted to own her own salon so after years of trying I let it go.

Second, I failed. I failed her, and I failed myself. When she left me she said it was because she needed to see me be okay on my own and not feel like I was only okay with her by my side. Arguably a valid and also bullshit excuse because she started seeing someone else immediately.

I thought she was wrong all this time, but she wasn’t. I was. I thought I’d be fine on my own but after that relationship I went into a hole. I burned a bridge that I didn’t mean to burn, and it’s one I’ll probably never let go. Stopped leaving the house for 9 months, went into maybe the deepest depression I’ve ever been in, and proved that I couldn’t handle the simple task of taking care of myself.

It’s bittersweet watching someone you love and always believed in succeed when, they didn’t always love and believe in you back.

I’ve had this dream of opening a restaurant since I was 18. I remember the first time I said it out loud. In fact when I was 18 I said my two most audacious goals out loud, not knowing that years later I’d read a book that talked about how if you’re not willing to even say your most audacious goals, how could you ever attempt to achieve them?

Those two goals were buy a house before I turned 25 and open a restaurant. Well I bought a house at 24. Despite the fact that I sold it 3 years later, I achieved that goal.

Hindsight is 2020 and if I had known when she left what I know now, I would have taken a different path of healing, and honestly I’d probably own a restaurant now.

I fucked it up though.

I’m no closer now to opening a restaurant than I was the day I said it all those years ago. I’m a very persistent person, I’ll allow myself the weekend to feel shitty and like I failed.

Come Monday none of that shit matters, what matters is proving to myself what no one else has ever believed. I’ll open my own restaurant. I let noise and things that don’t matter get in the way. I’ve deleted the social media apps, it doesn’t mean I won’t redownload them from time to time, it just means the endless scrolling ends because it won’t help me achieve my goals.

Sometimes I think you need to intentionally put yourself in a dark isolated place to achieve your goals, so that’s where you’ll find me until I do it. I don’t care what it takes, hell I don’t care if it kills me, as long as it opens before I die.

And there ain’t no sense
In making things worse
Let’s hold on tight
And we’ll try to break this curse

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.