I would leave if only I could find a reason
I’m mean because I grew up in New England
I got dreams but I can’t make myself believe them
Spend the rest of my life with what could have been
And I will die in the house that I grew up in
I’m homesick

I was driving today and this wave of longing came over me, and led me to a panic attack. Life’s been a lot lately, and as I grow in this new season of life, I feel myself not finding anything that refills my cup, and it’s hard to pour from an empty cup.

This is the first time this has ever happened, but I was driving and all I could think is I just want to go home right now. Not the place I currently call home though, I just wanted to go back to the life that left me two years ago. My house, the one I bought, with my fiancé, and my dog. That’s where I wanted to be and it’s weird because in all the time since then I’ve never felt that.

I’m at this point in life where I feel..defeated. I’ve been through some things in life, I’ve been poor, I’ve been abused, I’ve been alone, I’ve been put in uncomfortable situations by adults when I was a kid, I have seen some of the worst the world has to offer, and I’ve never felt as defeated as I do today. And honestly that’s not the hard part. The hard part is being defeated and not having someone to just say that to, and I think that’s where all those feelings come from.

I don’t care that I live a lonely life because the only way the validation of others is worth something, is if you’re comparing yourself to something, and I don’t. I am singular, and I don’t waste my time comparing myself to other people because I am not other people, I’m me. So I don’t see validation because I don’t care what others think? I don’t live for them. I live for me. That sounds selfish, and I don’t mean it to, I give back when I can and often more than I can, but I’m just saying judge me all you want, you’re not me, you don’t live in my head, and therefore no matter how much explaining I do you’ll never understand my choices or thought process.

It’s not the validation of being with someone I miss, it’s knowing someone has your back when you’re down. I’m not confused as to what this world is or how you have to be to succeed in it. The world is hard, and right now people are a bit soft. You can hate me for saying that or think whatever you’d like. I admit that there’s a time and place for everyone to have soft moments. Everyone deserves soft and gentle moments, but those moments shouldn’t be all the time. Sometimes the truth sucks but it doesn’t mean you don’t say it.

I set out on a new journey today, to build back what I lost, but better. A house in a place I want to live. A partner who I choose and who chooses me. And maybe a dog, but I’m not sure I’m ready for that step. It’s going to be hard, and this feeling of defeat is going to loom for the foreseeable future, but eventually it’ll lift.

I’m homesick.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.