Look at me now
Said I wouldn’t do it, but I hunted you down
Know you had a girl, but it didn’t work out
Know you bought a house, but you had to move out and

I’m not proud
Guess I’m just scared of you shooting it down
You can just talk, and I’ll stare at your mouth
It could be bad, but I wanna find out

And I wake up
In the middle of the night
With the light on
And I feel like I could die
‘Cause you’re not here
And it don’t feel right
‘Cause you’re not here

I just listened to this song for an hour straight, and now I’m going to write partially some general thoughts and also thoughts about a specific person, whom I am speaking to.

First of all opening few lines nails it for me. Had a girl, it didn’t work out. Bought a house, had to move out. For so long I thought those were signs of failure. For so long I thought those were signs I wasn’t enough.

It’s all in the title for me, and risk is something I’ve never been willing to take because of the way I grew up, but as I get older I realize if you play it safe some day you’re gonna look back and be real upset with yourself.

The day I met you I knew I didn’t want to marry my fiancé at the time. I didn’t tell her that because I was scared, not of hurting her, not of how she would react, but of being alone. I was scared that if I said hey this isn’t going to work, I met someone who instantly made me feel something so profound that I know you’re not the person I’m supposed to married, I would have ended up alone. Turns out I ended up alone anyways and I’m good with that.

Part of the reason that relationship was never going to succeed is I wasn’t willing to take risk, and she was okay with that. Until she wasn’t. I remember the day she said it was over the first thing I did is look at your instagram, because you were living in Italy so I wasn’t sure I could text you.

It started like every crush does, I looked at what you were up to, liked a couple pics, waited for an opportunity to dm you. It was really special the time I got to talk to you. You were living the dream, I was living the nightmare, but every day I knew at a certain time in the day it would be the right time in both places for us to talk for a little while. I remember telling you I wanted to take you on a date when you moved home.

You know, almost everyone reading this doesn’t know this but you do, my memory is slipping. A medication I’m on is causing me to have memory issues and it’s only getting worse. It’s funny I sat there today for an hour trying to remember what I did on my day off this week. The whole time I was itching my tattoo…. that I got on my day off this week…. For the life of me I couldn’t remember, and the fact that it took so long for me to remember what I did 4 days ago honestly made me nervous.

I saw a picture of your niece that you posted today and I always get happy when you post her, not necessarily for me, but I know how much joy she brings you, so when I see her picture I know you’re having a moment of joy. I’ve asked her name 10+ times at this point. I didn’t know all the other times it was because my memory is slipping, but I did today, so I wrote it down.

I would never try to date you now, because I would never put someone in the position to have to deal with my memory thing as it progresses. I’d never want to be that burden on anyone. The tattoo I got this week wasn’t for you, but a reminder of you, because I think as life goes on I’ll need little things that remind me of good things. Plus it’s a sunflower, that’s only specific because I know it’s your favorite flower, I doubt anyone else does.

I’d like to go on one date but it stops there, one very proper date, one to be reminded of when I can’t remember shit.

Since we’re being honest, also when I asked for your phone number on instagram, I already had it from when we worked together. I just wanted you to give it to me as a way of telling me you wanted me to text you. I think that falls in the Rizz category as the kids would say. I call it playing dumb to make sure I’m not bothering you. I’m sure I have plenty, but hopefully I’ve given you some good memories in the mean time.

I want you to read this while you wait for your flight tomorrow. My offer stands to pick you up when you return, and I do expect my tshirt that says “I love ______” size medium please.

I know I said I was done writing, but sometimes the thoughts need a place to go, and this is a safe place to let them free.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.