I’ve had love, but his is the deepest, yeah
Says he’ll never leave, he means it too, yeah
Ooh, I owe it to you
He was cold, and now he’s the sweetest, yeah
‘Cause he knows how much there is to lose, yeah
Ooh, I owe it to you

Ooh, I owe it to you
Ooh, I owe it to you

Maria, I know you’re gone
But I feel ya when we’re alone
Even when I’m here in his arms
I know you’re somewhere in his heart
Maria
Maria
I know you’re somewhere in his heart

When love comes young, you take it for granted, yeah
Now, he knows, certain things you can’t undo, no
Ooh, I owe it to you

Deepest effect always comes from a cause
I’m better too from the ones that I’ve lost
Now, he is everythin’ I’d ever want
I wanna thank you for all that you’ve done

Heard Dua Lipa got engaged, which is really too bad. Though I was engaged once and now I’m single so, there’s still hope. All kidding aside I’m not sure I’ve ever listened to this song before now, but I am sure I just saw her talking about the idea behind the song, and well, I appreciate her vision for it.

She said the song is basically about how every time you go through a break up, the person you’re leaving is going to be that much better for the next person, and you’re going to be better for the next person because of what you learned from that relationship.

I’d be a selfish piece of shit if I said I won’t be better in my next relationship because of my ex, BUT I think the relationship that really will make me better in life and love moving forward was the one with my dog. She taught me how to love in a way that I didn’t understand before, and she taught me to be more gentle in life.

Before I had a dog I was often angry, just as a general demeanor, I lived a lot of my life that way. I was angry because of past things that had happened. I had this idea that they happened to me and so I was mad, and used to have the sort of victim mentality. Truth is that shit doesn’t get you anywhere. Instead of thinking “why can’t I catch a break” you could be out continuing to chase whatever it is you’re after.

When my last relationship ended I resorted to violence to deal with it, I started doing jiu jitsu. I went through a couple months of doing it and being angry at the fucking world and being ready to fight at any time. That’s when I realized something. Anyone can walk around angry and be mad at the world, and fight and whatever. Also anyone can walk around with the victim mentality, and be fucking useless. Or you can experience a bunch of violence that teaches you to be gentle, and makes you want to be gentle.

After I spend 90 minutes drilling and rolling in jiu jitsu the last thing I wanna do is fight anyone, I just wanna catch my breath and relax. I had to go through all that violence to learn to be gentle. I didn’t learn the gentle part until I found out Presley had cancer. During that last 8 weeks or so of her life, we couldn’t play as rough, and we’d slowly play more and more gentle, until we didn’t play at all, and luckily the days of not playing at all weren’t many because I was uncomfortably aware it was her telling me it was time.

That 8 weeks taught me everything I practice in daily life now, and it also taught me a lot of the values I believe today, that I didn’t believe before that. Before that experience I talked a lot less about my mental health, because I was embarrassed that it made me weak. I didn’t like to cry because it made me feel weak. I didn’t like to hold hands or cuddle because it made me feel weak. The only weak thing about all those things was my ego. My fragility was showing. By the way I’m going to write a book called your fragility is showing, calling out all the men that criticize other people and call them weak or act a certain way in fear of being seen as weak. Talking about these things isn’t just a good way to keep moving forward, it’s a good way to remain strong.

During that 8 weeks I learned sometimes you take a day and just lay with someone you love because fuck it who knows how many of those days you have left. So once in a while me and Presley would lay on the couch and not move all day. I learned that holding hands, or paws in this case, is a nice way to just say “hey, love ya”. I learned that crying doesn’t always come from pain, sometimes it’s from beauty.

After I found out Presley had cancer I wish I could count the times I’d just watch her do something normal, like roll in the grass, or play in the snow, and I’d just cry because it was so innocent and beautiful, because something so simple brought her so much joy.

I talk about my mental health now because when I don’t I cope with it in unhealthy ways, so all I’m doing by not talking about it is hurting myself, and indirectly the people who give a shit about me. You have this idea that if you don’t talk about it you’re not a burden, but if someone thinks you’re a burden let them go, they have no value in your life.

I think the biggest lessons I learned were these two:

1. If you love someone, tell them. You may never get the chance to again, so just fucking say it.
2. Say nice things to people, I know giving people compliments can be weird, especially if they’re strangers, but it can really be the thing that changes someone’s day.

The love one comes from obvious reasons, I wish Presley was still here so I could tell her I love her again, and again, and again. As painful as the experience has been, love has always been at the center of it, and love has always stayed with me. The only reason the experience was painful was love, if I didn’t love that dog as much as I do and did, it wouldn’t have hurt me.

Take the break up, it hurt far less, and far less time. It’s not to say that I didn’t love her, but I think I had already reached the point where I knew she wasn’t who I was going to marry, she wasn’t the one I’d spend the rest of my days with. I didn’t know that until I met the person that made me say “this is a mistake” but once I met that person I was sure there was an expiration date on the relationship, and I kinda just quiet quit it, and let her think it was her choice. The truth is she’s a great person, she’s just not my person. Learning that is a really profound experience, but sometimes life tells you, deep in your gut, it let’s you know.

I wanna thank you for all that you’ve done

DFM,

J.