Walked in straight away and slammed the door last night
I caught you on the couch, you were having a fright all alone
With the TV on
Clothes strewn on the floor, I got down on my knees
You told me everything that you wanted to be all along
Was it wrong?

And I said, “Listen, oh, I know it’s been a long, long year
But I think we should go and get you out of here”
I’ll go anywhere, anywhere with you
Pack up all your shit and put it in the back
Maybe the miles can make up for the things you lack
I’ll go anywhere, anywhere with you

Cruising 95 like we got nothing to lose
I’m praying to the headlights like I prayed to you
Before I found you
Roll the windows down, kill the radio
I’d rather hear the wind than hear that song I’m supposed to know
By some fucking bro

You tell me that forever couldn’t come too soon
I wanna lose my mind in a hotel room with you
Anywhere would do
I’m sitting in the bath like it’s pouring rain
You call me from the hall just to say my, say my name
I’ll go anywhere with you
I’ll go anywhere with you

Have you ever met a person that makes you feel such a way that you’d say fuck it and go anywhere with them? I think about the first line and I can think back to a day when I had a panic attack like no other. There’s been two times in my life where I’ve had I don’t know what to call them. Like super panic attacks. Where no matter what you do or say or medication you take, none of it makes the panic go away, and it’s the worst panic you’ve ever felt.

Once was about 13 years ago, one of the very first panic attacks I had, and I thought to myself it would never happen again because I’d get help and all the medication and coping skills you learn in therapy will teach you how to not let it get this bad again.

The second was December 26th, 2022. It was a very telling day for me about what my future would be, and why my present at the time was so fucking awful. It was the day I found out Presley had cancer. Did a little research on lymphoma in dogs, and it turns out it was clear she didn’t have long to live. It was like every mistake I had made the 6 years previous to that hit me all at once, and I sat on the floor and cried for hours. My ex at the time came by because it was kinda her dog too and truthfully I think she was concerned with where my head would be with that news. When she asked how I was doing I broke down.

In that moment I realized all the things I wanted to be, and all the things I had suppressed wanting to be to make certain people in my life happy. As a young adult I always said I wouldn’t get married and I wouldn’t have kids. As I got a little older I said I’d get married but I wouldn’t have kids. The truth is I think about when I was a kid. I used to go to sleep hungry and wear dirty clothes to school, and back then all I imagined was the day I was successful enough to get married and have kids, not for the selfish fucking reasons my parents had kids, but because I knew I’d be a good parent, and the generational trauma could stop with me.

I went shooting after church on sunday with my cousin. His dad was my dad’s big brother, and when his dad passed away it changed my dad ever since. My dad became the oldest brother, but he also lost the only brother who didn’t judge him for being a drug addict and losing everything, because my uncle was also a drug addict who didn’t have anything. I look at my cousin now who is about to turn 42 and his son turned 7 a couple days ago. I asked him about having a kid and if he wanted more. He said one was it for him but when he was young he was afraid to have a kid because he was afraid of doing to his kid what our parents did to us. He actually even said he still looks at his wife sometimes and says am I fucking him up? He questions his parenting abilities but he’s had the instincts for longer than he realizes. I remember when I was essentially an orphan, while my sister was searching for a house to buy so she could adopt me. My cousin would come see me all the time, take me to do activities, take me to buy clothes, skateboards, everything.

The thing that was wrong about me sharing all the things I realized I wanted to be and how I was failing at that time with my ex is that I knew sharing some of those things might have made her think different, but at that point I knew that all the things I wanted to be, she wasn’t a part of that life. I knew that she wasn’t the person I wanted to be all those things with.

This time of year is always the hardest, but also the most insightful, and where I become the most grateful. I look forward to being in a new year this time next week, not because I believe that makes a huge difference in your life, but because the years are progressively getting better, so hopefully that continues next week.

Would you tell me if I ever started holding you back?
Would you talk me off the guard rail of my panic attack?
Look me straight in my center and tell me from the heart
Are you ready to start? Are you ready to start?
Are you ready to start? Are you ready to start?
Are you ready to start?

DFM,

J.

P.S. Where the skies are gold not gray is coming to an end. a natural ending. I’ve decided in the new year I’ll start a new blog. I just signed with “DFM”. DFM stands for “don’t forget me”. That will be the new blog name. It’ll be about my childhood, my experience with mental health, and the goal will be to publish the essays.