I heard the church bells from afar
But we found each other in the dark
And when the smoke does finally pass
We will rise above all the ash

Cause we’re gonna live, we’re gonna live, we’re gonna live
We’re gonna live, we’re gonna live, we’re gonna live
We’re gonna live, we’re gonna live, we’re gonna live
At last

So bright, the flames burned in our hearts
That we found each other in the dark
Like beasts, out in the wilderness
We are fighting to survive and convalesce

But we’re gonna live, we’re gonna live, we’re gonna live
We’re gonna live, we’re gonna live, we’re gonna live
We’re gonna live, we’re gonna live, we’re gonna live
Like the rest

Through the black starless water
And the cold lonely air
On the rock restless seas
The vessel in deep disrepair
And the swans they started singing
But then oh, rejoice!
I can still hear your voice

I think the dark is a beautiful place to find someone, or something. Society makes it seem like everything needs to be perfect. Like the perfect person at the perfect time. There’s no such thing as a perfect person, or a perfect time. The idea of waiting for the perfect time to do something is silly. The only time that really exists is right now. You can say well in 3 months I’ll be doing this and that and then I can. You can what? in 3 months life changes. 3 months ago my life was different, my job was different, where I thought I’d be today was different.

I used to believe that you had to be in a certain position in life to be able to allow love into it, or to accept the love you deserve, but if you wait for the “right time” you may miss it all together. In the dark is kinda where you find out, right? Anyone can love you when you’re doing well. Everyone wants to be your friend when you’re doing well. What about when you’re down? who’s there for you then? I think someone who isn’t willing to weather the storm with you, probably isn’t by your side for the right reasons. When someone sees you at your worst and they’re still interested, that’s extremely telling, not only in how interested they are in you, but also in their character.

I’ve been in a bit of a dark place the last couple months. When I got fired from 1928 I sort of went through a moment for the last few months where I didn’t feel good enough. I mean that in a sort of open ended, widespread way. I didn’t feel good enough at my job, I didn’t feel good enough as a person. I went through what I’ll continue to call a mid-life crisis because despite being 29, with the way the world is shaping up, another 29 years seems like it may not be an option.

I think what’s interesting is for a minute I thought I was fired by someone, but people fire themselves. I fired myself. I put my foot down and wasn’t willing to negotiate terms because I wasn’t willing to put my character or integrity aside for a paycheck.

While I was going through the period of feeling like I got fired, I began to feel like I wasn’t going to make it. Growing up in the restaurant industry I’ve only really had two experiences where I paused and wondered if I was bad at it, I’m not though. It was outside things that made me question that, but then you experience a few things and quickly realize those outside things don’t matter.

I felt like I wasn’t going to make it because 29 is the first birthday where I felt old, and I know I’m not old but it feels like the perfect age to be like well, I’m not married, I don’t have kids, and I don’t know if I want these things. And I just got fired. So now what?

I remember when I was 23 I used to tell my general manager at the time, who is still my mentor and one of the most important people in my life that I’d never have kids. He’d laugh and say talk to me in 5 years. I’d say no I already made up my mind. At the time I was sure too. I bought a house at 24 and I had a dog and a long term girlfriend and that felt like enough. Honestly selling the house, losing the girlfriend and the dog were the things that made me say maybe I do want..

Now I’m at a point where I’m pretty sure of what I want, I got one quick goal that I have to get out of the way before I make my big life decisions but, I think I wanna buy a house, get married and have a kid or two. I was talking to my cousin about it yesterday after we went shooting, he’s 41 now and his son turned 7 today. We talked about how like when he was young, like my age now and even a bit before he was like I can’t have a kid I’ll fuck it up. That comes from the trauma he went through and I felt the same way from the trauma I went through. He even said now, where he’s in a great place, has a wife and son. Some times he’ll look at his wife and say “am I fucking him up?”

He’s not, he’s a great dad. He’s present, caring, does cool shit with his kid, makes sure his kid gets to experience all the things that he didn’t and that just sounds so…fulfilling.

I look at my life in restaurants and for the first time in my life I can see a path that leads me to being able to have a family. You know working for a lot of restaurants in the way that I do, it’s 60+ hour weeks, it’s sometimes not having days off, working on holidays, not being able to take days off.

I got some news today from my boss. As of the first of the year I’ll receive a raise, and be general manager of one of our locations. They’ll cover my health insurance, dental, vision. unlimited paid time off, and I won’t work more than 45 hours a week and I’ll always have at least two days off. That’s like a real fucking job. My schedule is real it’s not go in at 3 and be unclear of when your shift is over. Today I was scheduled 9-5, I left at 4. Thursday I’m out of work at 3, and that actually means 3. I’m in a position where I could provide for a family and not have to work 80 hours a week, which is unheard of in this industry.

I always thought you had to wait for the “right time” but sometimes the dark time is the right time. The time that seems like the worst time is actually the best time. None of us are guaranteed the time, so why waste it waiting for the perfect moment?

We’re gonna live, we’re gonna live, we’re gonna live
At last

J.