What’s goin’ on, mama?
Something just dawned on me
I ain’t been home in some months
Been chasin’ songs and women
Makin’ some bad decisions
God knows I’m drinkin’ too much
Yeah, I know you’ve been worrying ’bout me
You’ve been losin’ sleep since ‘95

I thought you should know
That all those prayers you thought you wasted on me
Must’ve finally made their way on through
I thought you should know
That I really like this girl down in South Boston, and
She lets me fish whenever I want to
Yeah, I’m still proud of where I came from
Still your only damn son
Can you believe I’m on the radio?
Just thought you should know, thought you should know, thought you should know

Oh, by the way, mama, didn’t mean to ramble on ya
How’s everything back at home?
Yeah, how’s that garden comin’?
Is dad still doing dumb shit?
And how’d he keep you this long?
Yeah, I’m sorry that I called you so late
I just miss you, but anyways

I changed some of the lyrics so they’re a little more accurate, hope Mr. Wallen forgives me. This is a bit of a letter to my sister. Her and I really got into it last night and I think it’s time to put some space between us, and maybe that just means moving to the city, or maybe it means moving on from this city, but these are the thoughts I have for now.

Dear Tabatha,

I know you didn’t choose this life, and I didn’t choose it either. You mentioned that I need to understand how much pressure has been on you for all these years to take care of the family, and I do understand that pressure, because I experience a similar one.

Every time I fail in life or fall behind the only thing I think about is you. I’m not driven for personal gain, I’m driven because you worked too hard and sacrificed too much for me to phone it the fuck in on life. You don’t know this but the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that if I keep working as hard as I do, some day I can buy a lake house up north in cash, and put your name on the trust. It’s the only thing I want, I don’t care if my bank account is empty after, I don’t care if I have nothing after. The only thing that keeps me going is being able to maybe make you feel the way you made me feel.

People talk about unconditional love, but you showed it to me, the only thing I can do with what you’ve shown me is show it to others. I could spit in your face and never talk to you again and you’d still love me, there is no condition in which you don’t, and it’s mutual. I think most of the world probably never knows what that feels like, and I’ve been blessed with it.

I know you want me to succeed and find someone to spend my life with. I know you want me to own a house and be happy. Sometimes the fact that you want these things for me is a pressure I’m sure you’re familiar with. I’m not always sure I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, or buy a house.

The hardest part of those conversations is you’re the most critical judge there is when it comes to potential lovers for me. I understand the notion of wanting nothing but the best for someone and wanting them to be with someone who you think is amazing. It’s not about what you think though, there’s been plenty of potential lovers in my life I’m not sure you’d approve of, but they were kind to me, and I enjoyed their company.

I want to leave home, and for the first time in my life it feels like something I need to do to save myself. When you were 29 you moved to Chicago for a year, maybe I’ll do the same. I know I’ve been making bad decisions, but at least I don’t drink too much. The weight of our family and your ambition for me did make me have my first full drink this week, I see why people do it.

You should know all your wishes for me will come true, because I wouldn’t let the decade of your 20’s go to waste by not chasing those dreams. I thought you should know I really like this girl in south Boston. I think you’d like her too if you took a minute to see who she really is. When I met her it made me realize I didn’t want to marry Mia, so I guess it’s a good thing she left. We probably won’t end up together but she’s the one.

Didn’t mean to ramble on you. When I leave I hope your garden continues to do well. Pouring some of Presleys ashes in the foundation of your green house will bring you good luck. Presley brought me everything good I ever had in the world, all the good I had left when she did. Hopefully she can do the same for you, except she can’t leave now. I’m sure Tim will still be doing dumb shit but I mean that in a good way. I’m happy you found each other, because I know when I leave home and we don’t talk as much, you have someone good with you all the time.

I’m sorry if you thought I didn’t understand the pressure you face with this family, I’ve always seen it, and I’ve always made it my pressure too. Just thought you should know.

All my love,

Jordan