My body caries sadness that my brain cannot yet see
And I’ve been holding on to memories
In my stomach and my teeth
And both my shoulders have been burdened
By the weight of my mistakes
And every time you lean in closer
Both my knees can’t help but shake

And I think you’re a danger to my health, or so it seems

Is it love or a panic attack?
Is a heavy heart too much to hold?
I don’t know, but it’s late, so I’m taking you home
Is it love or a panic attack?
Would you mind if I asked you on the phone?
I don’t know, but it’s late, so I’m taking you home

I had to call the doctor, left a note on his machine
Because I tripped when we went walking
And I felt it in my spleen
Now I think I need a blood test or an antihistamine
Because you make me fucking nervous
And I don’t know what it all means

A lot of people have anxiety, but I’m not sure people realize how different anxiety and panic attacks are. I’ve been fortunate enough to have both in this life. Anxiety is a feeling that’s a bit more consistent, a feeling of unease that you usually feel somewhere between your chest and your stomach. A panic attack is when it feels like the world is ending. Panic attacks cause sweaty palms, heart racing, tremors, and sometimes things like dissociation or derealisation. I personally experience derealisation when I have a full blown panic attack.

Last night driving home I had the pleasure of experiencing a panic attack. I used to dread the feeling, while no means is it a good time, my ability to manage the feeling and cope with it has been much better. I’ve been trying to consume less media, and read more, listen to more podcasts, listen to audiobooks. Basically I’m trying to get healthy and I’ll be damned if it isn’t very fucking difficult, sometimes you just wanna eat a donut, but I know if I eat something healthy instead I’ll have more energy and less brain fog.

Anyways, I listened to this song last night, while having a panic attack and I had a couple of thoughts that I considered worth sharing, I was going to write them last night but, I got side tracked.

First: The idea that your body carries sadness or really any emotion is an interesting one. There’s evidence from studies that your body does hold onto certain traumas and emotions. There’s actually a book called “the body keeps score” that I should probably get around to listening to. I think it’s a really interesting idea because when I run I feel less bad emotion, I’m sure that’s part of the endorphins you get from certain exercise. I think I’ve done a really great job of taking care of my mental health in the sense of doing therapy, journaling, being mindful, doing check ins with how I’m feeling, but all of that only gets you so far. Now I realize that the reason I still struggle and what I need to start working on is the physical part of mental health. Exercising consistently, consistently eating well, getting enough sleep but not too much. It’s a bizarre balancing act. My issue is that I’m an all or nothing person. Either I do everything at once or I don’t do it at all, and I think that mentality is what’s held me back for so long. Instead it needs to be more of an okay I didn’t get the workout I wanted but I still ate well and got some exercise. That’s a hard concept for me but it’s what I need to work on.

Part two: This part is more fun for me to talk about because I think it’s a way everyone can relate to panic attacks and anxiety. Have you ever had a P.L.(potential lover, another way of saying a crush) and when you see that person your heart races, your hands get clammy, suddenly you’re flustered and nervous? A panic attack doesn’t really feel far off from that.

I think a common misconception is that anxiety is always a bad feeling, but it’s not. Remember when you were a kid and you’d have trouble sleeping the night before Christmas because you were excited? That is also anxiety, it’s just a positive form. We all have anxiety, it’s an instinct humans naturally possess. The difference is when you go through something traumatic, or you experience long term trauma, you have more negative anxiety. You begin to end up in a constant form of fight or flight, and your body is always reacting as if you’re being chased by a bear, even though there’s no bear. The way to get rid of it is neuroplasticity. You can create new patterns in your brain. As you get older it becomes harder to do, but still you’re able to do it. You have to train your mind and body that there is no bear, the sky isn’t falling, there is no other shoe to drop.

The trauma part doesn’t always have to be some crazy form of trauma. It doesn’t have to be physical abuse or even emotional abuse. It doesn’t have to be your parents being addicted to heroin and your life taking a bizarre turn. Insecurities can increase anxiety, being bullied, things that are both common and looked at as small things can cause you to become chronically anxious. There’s two ways to beat it: working out and doing the mental work.

Is a heavy heart too much to hold?

J.