A coma might feel better than this
Attempting to discover where to begin
You’re weighed down, you’re full of something
Of sickness, and desertion
You’re weighed down, you’re full of something
You’re underneath it all

So say goodbye to love
And hold your head up high
There’s no need to rush
We’re all just waiting, waiting to die

Hoping a better place is all I need
With moments of innocence and mystery
Oh, it’s the little things you miss
Like waking up all alone
Oh, it’s the little things you miss
When you’re underneath it all

So say goodbye to love
And hold your head up high
There’s no need to rush
We’re all just waiting, waiting to die

All your friends seem like enemies
When you’re broken down and empty
All your friends seem like enemies
When you’re broken down and empty

Have you ever reached a point in time and space where you felt like you were just waiting to die?

I think the hardest part of life for someone who’s anxious is the uncertainty. People say time heals all wounds, but it doesn’t heal anything, you just get used to it. People always say it’ll get better, but you can’t be certain of that, I’m not sure how you’d calculate the odds of that either. What I do know is it could get better, but all the good times could also be behind me. I don’t know which is more likely, and I’m not sure there’s a way to figure that out.

Life is full of ups and downs. The highs are so high these lows are killing me so to speak. I guess sometimes when I’m in a low it’s hard to see what the point of continuing is. During the highs you know what you’re living for. You’re living because everything feels good, but it can’t be that way all the time.

During the lows it just feels like we’re waiting to die, the only real certainty we face. I’m in a low right now and nothing feels fulfilling. I can’t find the thing I need to pull me out. I’m sure there’s a way to pull yourself out but when you’re spending a lot of time thinking what’s the point? Pulling yourself out is that much harder, and I think pulling yourself out only goes so far.

I think it’s one of those things where the less I pay attention to what’s happening in the world it’s easier to pull yourself out, but when you look around and see that the world we live in isn’t one you want to be a part of what the fuck is the point in trying to pull yourself out?

I wish more of you assholes have seen the show “Californication”. In the short it’s about a writer who is jaded by Hollywood, by the fast gratitude people chase, the lack of love, etc. I relate, and maybe that’s why I write. Maybe I could be a writer. He writes for a blog during a time that he doesn’t have any inspiration for a book and he talks about how much he hates even the idea of a blog. This is more of a journal, but I see his point.

Society isn’t where it’s supposed to be. They say history repeats itself. Will it? Will one of these generations finally stop looking for instant gratification, ghosting each other, using dating apps to not even go on dates? Will it return to the way it should be? Where when a man picks up a woman for a date he goes to the door, walks her to the car, opens the door for her, has a date planned and not just a way to get in her pants, spend time asking her questions about herself and learning who the person is not what the person looks like.

Shit maybe I should be a writer, I’m clearly jaded enough, I think that’s how you end up working in restaurants for a living though. There’s a level of connecting with people you can’t get many other places in society because despite being more connected than ever, loneliness is at an all time high, and there’s a pill to cure everything. Does jaded ever go away? Or will I spend the rest of my days waiting?

So say goodbye to love
And hold your head up high
There’s no need to rush
We’re all just waiting, waiting to die

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.