Go outside, get some light
Take a breath, then count to ten and dry your eyes
Believe me I’ve tried, done the work
But those daily affirmations, they’re just words

And I’m spinning out again
Seasons change but it don’t end

If it turns out that my life is all an existential crisis
Can I blame the world or just my DNA?
Saw the doctor, got prescriptions
Talked to God, he didn’t listen
Stuck in winter holding out for warmer days
It’s not forever, least that’s what they say

I think music heals us more than any medication ever could. The beauty of music is it has the ability to make you feel seen, and heard. It can allow you to feel less alone in this life and by god Lily Fitts does an unbelievable job of that.

This song was written by the young lady and for someone so young you can hear the pain carry in the notes as she singles. It’s beautiful and sad all wrapped in one.

I never thought “where the skies are gold not gray” would change from what it is, but I’ve started working on a different version of it. Still here, I’ll share my toughest challenges in life, talk about my addict parents, cranky sister, and struggles with mental health. In the new year I’ll begin writing short essays or whatever you call these but I won’t be sharing them….yet. I’m going to write 50 and see how many pages I have. If I have what I consider enough i’ll publish. If it’s not enough I’ll write another 50 and reassess. The point of these is they’ll be a little less raw, and more focused on navigating heartbreak, anxiety, depression, loneliness, suicidal ideation. All the things I’ve experienced over the last two years. The goal of sharing it? So people know that it does get better, and we’re about to get into that.

There’s always been the saying “they say sunlight helps with mental health” or “they say depression in genetic”. Who the fuck is they? Can they reveal themselves? Can they give us the answers?

I used to think a lot like the first little verse of this song.

Go outside, get some light
Take a breath, then count to ten and dry your eyes
Believe me I’ve tried, done the work
But those daily affirmations, they’re just words

For a while at my lowest in October 2022 I’d go outside every morning and get 10-15 minutes of direct sunlight, and if it wasn’t sunny I’d get 20 minutes of plain daylight. I used to do a lot of breath work too. The Wim hof method, box breathing, etc. I never really dried my eyes cause let’s face is, sometimes crying helps, and crying isn’t always sad or negative. Sometimes I look at pictures of Presley and cry. Most of the tears are not out of sadness, they’re tears of joy, of how fucking beautiful she made my life. Of how fucking lucky I am that as a young man in this world I know what unconditional love feels like. True unconditional love, not the bullshit they feed you in movies. I’ve never really been one for daily affirmations and that’s because I was lucky enough to have older siblings so my parents for the time that they did raise me, raised me with that old school “work harder” mentality. I’ve never had a day where I woke up and thought “I am love” or some shit they tell you to say to feel better about yourself. I’ve always been the person who wakes up and says “get it together, bitch.”

It’s true affirmations are just words, I believe in manifesting what you want in life to a degree. Do you really think waking up every morning with your overpriced organic tea and saying “I am love” or “I am success” is gonna help you be successful? Fuck no. That’s great if you believe you’re success, but just saying it isn’t good enough, you have to go out there and take it. We live in a world where everybody is playing for keeps and nobody is giving handouts. This brings me to the part of doing the work. You don’t get to “do the work” for a couple days or even a few weeks and then complain that the work isn’t working. Of course it’s not working you have to keep going. When you wake up and it’s cold out, or you didn’t sleep well, you aren’t motivated, that’s when the work starts. Go do it anyways otherwise you’re never gonna get ahead.

And I’m spinning out again
Seasons change but it don’t end

You know, I spin out all the time. I’m chronically anxious and overthink my overthinking. There isn’t a season for spinning out or a season for depression. The season for that is as long as you allow it to happen. If you don’t continue that work I was just talking about it’s never going to get better.

If it turns out that my life is all an existential crisis
Can I blame the world or just my DNA?
Saw the doctor, got prescriptions
Talked to God, he didn’t listen
Stuck in winter holding out for warmer days
It’s not forever, least that’s what they say

This particular chorus is what made me want to write about this song. You ever feel ugly? Worthless? Stupid? I can continue naming negative things you think or feel about yourself but you get the idea. None of that is because of the world, or because of your DNA. No prescription is going to help. You know what one of the most common side effects of anti depressants is? Suicidal thoughts. The same fucking pill they’re giving you to stop hating your life can actually make you think about taking it.

The god thing I don’t have much to say on, I’m still figuring that one out myself.

You aren’t stuck in winter though. You don’t need 80 degrees and sun for warmer days. Hell some of my warmest days I’ve ever felt in life have been in the dead of winter. January 2023 I took Presley for her last hike with my sister’s dog. It was cold as can be, but god damn everything felt ok that day. I knew Presley had cancer and I knew she didn’t have long to go, but she gave that hike everything she had and played with her cousin the whole time. She was ALIVE that day and god dammit thinking about it right now sends a chill down my spine.

It’s not forever though. I’m not sure who the “they” are that said that, but they were right. These things you feel are temporary, these things you feel have a solution. NO ONE can start the healing process for you though. You have to want to stop feeling this way, YOU have to want to stop hating what you see in the mirror. When that happens you’ll slowly see life giving you little signs and hints that it’s going to be okay. That it’s going to be more than okay. It’s going to be fucking beautiful. Look at butterflies. They aren’t born that way. They’re born creepy fuzzy little worms, but they do the work, the internal work that only they can do, and they come out beautiful, and unique. They were always beautiful and unique, but it took some work for them to actually see it.

Before I go, there’s actually a butterfly museum up in Canada near Niagara, you walk around this beautiful space that’s made completely of windows and all you see are thousands of butterflies. Every one of those little fuckers is different, and every one of them as beautiful as the one before it.

It’s not forever, at least that’s what they say. They’re right, but only if you continue to do the work. The work is forever, the feelings are not.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.