5:36 AM, I was ’bout to start my day
But she lay in there across me, so I stayed anyway
Arms tied, legs numb, and wrapped around my knees
Sweetest of the sunflowers, yeah, you’re the sun to me
I don’t recall what you were wearing on the first night we met
Besides the subtle clouds around you from my last cigarette
And you come from a good place with a happy family
Only bad you ever done was to see the good in me, mm

But I’ve been livin’, waitin’ on the day
That the good Lord willin’, sends you out my way
I’ve seen hard times, bad luck, and all that’s in-between
Sweetest of the sunflowers, yeah, you’re the sun to me

And I remember being younger, and my mother told me truth
Find someone who grows flowers in the darkest parts of you
Take heed when things get hard and don’t you ever turn around
You’ll find someone, someday, somewhere
That’ll grow you to the clouds, oh
And you walked me home that evening when I could barely walk
And you spoke to me so sweetly on the days I couldn’t talk
And now I’m seeing clearly and I’m growing up so free
Sweetest of the sunflowers, yeah, you’re the sun to me

For the record this is the machine gun Kelly version because I think Zach Bryan is a giant piece of shit. Also very strange that they sing different times at the beginning of the song but that’s not the point of me being here.

I took a long walk on Friday with my sister and her dogs, we talked about life in a way we don’t often. Talked about the future and how I worry that by the time I’m her age life won’t be the same, the world won’t be a same. Of course it won’t be that’s 11 years from now, but I more meant places like the one we walked in might not exist anymore, less nature will exist and it’ll continue until the world gets so tired of people it kills us all.

We also talked about the past in a very interesting way, and she said I’ve matured, and that really made me think. I’m not sure how we got on the subject of the past, I think we were talking about how my brother’s girlfriend sucks and it makes none of us want to be around him. She said we needed to learn to date good women and then paused. She said actually I know in the end Mia fucked you over but she was good for you and our family. My response was kind of simple. You can’t put all the blame on her because throughout that 6 years I was in a bad place a few times, and I imagine you can only live with someone like that for so long. I don’t blame her for leaving, I still think she’s a good person, and for the rest of my life if she ever called and needed something I’d be there. My sister said that’s called being mature.

Is it though? To me it’s not mature, it’s just the way things should be. If you’ve ever loved someone, and I mean truly loved someone, I don’t necessarily think you stop. You can go your separate ways, things can end badly, but holding hate in your heart because of that is just a waste of energy.

During the first couple years of our relationship she made me a better person, and at some point she stopped being the person that could push me to be a better person, and she left. Her leaving made me a better person, because it made me want to be a better person, not for her, but for me. It made me reflect on who I was, and who I wanted to be. It made me realize that I wasn’t living to the standard of person I wanted to be, or could be.

When people talk about potential, or more specifically my potential I tend to ignore it, because everyone has the potential to be great, but not everyone has the interest or drive in being great. Potential is by no means unique to me, and in fact I think most of the people I’ve met in life have more potential than I do. I just have a different kind of potential.

To me a lot of people I know have the potential to be really successful, to be great at what they do, to achieve all their goals. I don’t have that potential. I won’t potentially be successful or great at what I do, for me that’s guaranteed, because I’m willing to find a way, and if there isn’t a way I’ll make one. For me my potential lies in my ability to help others see just how great they already are, and how much greater they could be. My potential lies in the idea of being a great leader. Leaders and managers are different. I’m already a great manager, I can manage a business very well for someone my age, and I understand business very well for someone my age. A business doing well financially is not the end all be all of it’s success, especially in the business I decided to be a part of. We are only truly successful if the people in our circles feel fulfilled and happy with the work that they do and where they do it.

For me, so far, the hardest part of all of this is the mental. I often go through periods of not feeling good enough, or enough at all. I can count on one hand the people who have come into my life and are able to make me see that differently, and I’m grateful for both of them. Often people say you need to love yourself before you can love someone else, but sometimes someone else’s love proves to you, and reminds you, that you’re worthy of love, a feeling you can’t convince yourself to feel. A feeling I can’t convince myself to feel. When I go quiet, or stop responding and posting, there’s a couple people that know just what to say to bring me back. Those are people we all need in our lives.

And I’ve been livin’, waitin’ on the day
That the good Lord willin’, sends you out my way
I’ve seen hard times, bad luck, all that’s in-between
Sweetest of the sunflowers, yeah, you’re the sun to me

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.