So if I get jealous, I can’t help it
I want every bit of you, I guess I’m selfish
It’s bad for my mental, but I can’t fight it, when
You’re out lookin’ like you do, but you can’t hide it, no

Put you in a frame, ooh, baby, who could blame you?
Glad your mama made you
Makin’ me insane, you cannot be explained, ooh
You must be an angel

Every time the phone rings
I hope that it’s you on the other side
I wanna tell you everything (‘thing)
Everything that’s on my mind
And I don’t want any other guys
Takin’ my place, girl, I got too much pride
I know I may be wrong
But I don’t wanna be right

I’m not sure this song actually has anything to do with what I have to say, but what I have to say is about being selfish, and letting music play while I write helps keep me from getting distracted. This is more about being selfish and taking accountability for my actions as an adult than it is being jealous over someone. I don’t really get jealous. There’s one girl that could maybe do it to me but that’s a story for another day.

My birthday was yesterday, I turned 29, and I don’t feel great about it. I think the hard part about birthdays for me is the day before I think okay we’re turning 29 tomorrow, and all of the things that I wanted to accomplish or thought I’d accomplish by this age, well most of them haven’t happened. It’s not a moment of celebration it’s a moment of ok, I didn’t reach my goals, how do I now work harder, and change course to reach them. Not reaching them isn’t an option, and as I get older and still don’t reach them it both beats the shit out of me and motivates me.

What I missed by being in my own head about where I am and where I wanna be is that, sometimes even on your birthday, it’s not about you. I have a dear dear friend, who I’ve talked about before, her name is Alison and she’s my platonic soulmate. I would be lost without her, she’s always the one reminding me to snap the fuck out of it when I’m spiraling. Very grateful and lucky to have her in my life.

She sent me a really kind message on my birthday, and I didn’t feel like I deserved it so ignored it, and she sent a couple after and I ignored them and well, that was all very fucking selfish. I apologized, but sometimes that’s not enough, I’m not sure it’ll be enough in this situation and I understand that.

You know I think about something Simon sinek said about true friends, and I think about if she did that to me on her birthday, how fucking mad I would be. And again it’s because it’s not about the person being celebrated, but in august when she turned 29, I invited her and her friends into 1928, I had champagne and espresso martinis, I got her favorite cake, I made it special, and I did it selfishly. I did it because what a fucking honor it is to exist in this life and be able to celebrate someone like that, and just show them how special they are.

Simon talks about how one day him and one of his friends were riding bikes and he said to his friend you know if I was really in the shit I’d call you. His friend said I’d be mad if you didn’t. And it’s because by not asking for help, but not letting people be there for you when you’re having a good day or a bad day or you’re vulnerable, you take away the privilege and the honor of being there for them.

Now I’m not often selfish, I actually try so hard to make everything not about me, that I did something very selfish in not responding to her.

For me I don’t belong in this generation, because I don’t believe in what this generation is. Everyone is treated as replaceable or disposable. People just ghost each other, there’s not really a sense of community in our society today, and that sometimes makes me feel a bit hopeless.

I try to have a sense of community with the people in my life, because none of you are replaceable, you all add a different type of value to my life, so you are all extremely important in my well being. Some obviously more than others, yesterday was the first day since June that I didn’t speak with Alison, it felt weird.

With that feeling of everyone in my life being here for a different reason and playing a different role, all I ever wanna do is take care of the people around me, the people that support me, the people that were kind when others weren’t, were there when others weren’t, and I think for a moment I lost that direction.

For me I LOVE to celebrate other people and to take care of others and be there for others because I NEVER want someone to know what it feels like to have no one, and to feel like giving up. I’ve been there, it’s not a good place, and the idea of others being there makes me tear up. In a world with 8 billion people, loneliness shouldn’t be at an all time high, suicide shouldn’t be at an all time high. We are at a time in history that we are more connected than ever with cell phones and social media and all of it, yet people have never been more broken and lonely. I always want to be there for those people because no one deserves to feel that way.

My biggest flaw is that when I feel that way I keep it to myself or isolate because I don’t want to be a burden on others. So my advice to you, and to myself, is that if you’re having a hard time let your pals be there, because I have never once felt burdened by a single friend in need.

Stay well,

J.