Lately my thoughts eating me alive
Laid in the bed
Thinkin’ maybe the hate’ll finally go away if I’m not alive
Wish I didn’t listen
Just like I wish they would understand me one time
I had a breakdown and tatted my entire body except one line

I don’t really like Machine Gun Kelly, but Gardy tells me I don’t have to like anyone, I have to love everyone and he’s right. That probably sounds a little bananas but to break it down, I don’t have to like someone to show them love. Love is kind, patient, respectful, the list goes on. You don’t have to like someone to be respectful or kind them, try to remember that. So I’m in this new era of loving everyone(except myself of course).

As much as I don’t LIKE mgk, I do love him because a lot of what he sings about is his battle with mental health and I don’t think enough people, men specifically talk about it. Take this first verse for example. I overthink in bed more than I sleep in bed, and I regularly think maybe it would be better if I wasn’t here. I also wish I personally knew someone who understood the feelings I have.

I’ve been going through a rough period and instead of facing it and getting help like I should, I’ve been doing tattoo therapy. This isn’t actually a form of therapy don’t be fooled, but getting tattooed makes you feel something when everything else is numb, so it’s one of my favorite feelings. I won’t say they don’t hurt, that would be a lie, but I like the pain.

Before my dad left this Earth
He made sure I took on every quality I didn’t want
I was supposed to die at birth
Gave me a chance and I fucked it up, give me another one.

My dad hasn’t left this earth yet, but he’s on his way. When I was a younger adult, I took on a lot of the shitty qualities I didn’t want from my dad, and then I became self aware and worked through a lot of them. Now I just have the shitty attitude and dickhead qualities, unfortunately I think those stay. It is true that I was supposed to die at birth, my mom had many complications carrying me to term and almost didn’t get to. I don’t necessarily think I fucked up my chance at life, but I do think I recently got confused with what it is. Recently I had the thought that because I’m a certain age, and have been working in restaurants for 11 years I deserve opportunities or a certain salary. I don’t. I never will. It doesn’t matter how hard I work or how long I work for, it doesn’t mean I deserve anything, and I think reminding myself of that more often will help with future success.

I’ve been runnin’ from
Secrets I hid as a kid and I never confronted ’em
I just called ma, said I forgive her
For not bein’ there when I needed one

You know, my mom wasn’t there for me when I should have had a mom, but I never blamed her, I always blamed my dad. I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive him, which is a really guilt provoking thought. I feel guilty if he dies and doesn’t feel like I forgave him or knows I didn’t. Some things can’t be forgiven. He didn’t just abandon me, but he also made my mom a shell of a person through their abusive relationship, so he took both my parents from me, and has the balls to call me and ask me when I’m going to get my life together. I took that personal for a few days before realizing that the only things that mean success to him are marriage, kids, and owning a house. Well I bought my first house younger than he did, I’m not sure I want kids, and I tried to get married, it didn’t work out. I’m happy it didn’t work out because now at let’s say 29 because it’s only 2 days, I have the freedom to explore what’s next in my career, explore opening my own restaurant which I’ve been doing diligently, explore if boston is my forever home. All the things my dad was too busy having kids he didn’t take care of to do.

How can I live with the fact
That my hand wasn’t on her stomach when we lost the baby?
I don’t got no one to turn to
‘Cause everyone’s dead in my life that was tryna raise me
Searchin’ for someone to tell me who I really am
I don’t know when I look in the mirror
Constantly dreadin’ the day
That the audience might not be screaming for me anymore

Speaking of kids, I think he forgets how hard it was for me to watch my ex have surgery to have a baby removed from her stomach. How hard it was for her, for our relationship. She didn’t get an abortion by choice, it was ectopic and the options are surgery or death. I don’t think he realized that made me wonder if there’s something wrong with my genes where any woman I’d wanna have a kid with would have those problems. That she went into surgery with our baby, and came out different. A lot of the people that helped raised me are no longer in my life, for a variety of reasons not worth explaining. I don’t have an audience screaming for me but I recently realized I think I miss bartending or at least full service restaurants because of the attention, that maybe I’m a bit of a whore for attention. That I didn’t get enough as a kid and bartending is how I made up for it for a long time. That and I’m really fucking good at it and the world needs more good bartenders.

Might take a break from life, from writing and social media, and try to sort out what is really is I want in life, who I want to be and how I’ll get there, god knows it won’t be by doom scrolling.

I’m comin’ back, just let me go
I’m comin’ back, don’t let me go

In case I’m gone a while, happy holidays, stay well, be kind to others. I love you.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.