Normally when I write, a song goes along, but I couldn’t really think of one that fits this. Yesterday at work a woman’s phone died and I didn’t have a charger for it, she was going to pay with Apple Pay and started to panic and asked if she left her phone while she went to get her card if that would be okay. I said shit happens and not to worry I’d take care of it, partially because sometimes you do kind things, partially because she was a little annoying.

Anyways she said something that kinda confused me, she said well I don’t want you to think I’m some crack head just trying to get a free drink, and I said “ma’am my parents were addicts growing up, I know what a crack head looks like and I don’t think that about you” she asked if I was okay and if I was traumatized, and of course I immediately said yes I’m okay and kinda moved on from the conversation.

It was the last interaction of the night and as I locked the door and walked to my car after closing I got in my car and thought to myself “am I okay?” not because of my childhood but just like generally speaking. I took the long way home so I could think more about that, and I’m still not sure I have an answer.

I’m not not okay if that makes sense. I mean it doesn’t because it’s a double negative but like, I don’t think the answer is yes or no. I’m not sure the answer has ever been yes or no for me. I think the idea of “being okay” can mean so many different things that it’s hard to sort of navigate what people mean when they ask if you are.

Am I okay like financially? sure

Am I okay like do I have a place to sleep and food in my stomach? Yes

Am I okay like do I feel successful?

That’s where things become less black and white. I think I’m neutral? or okay enough. I don’t want to hurt myself, other than getting tattoos and doing jiu jitsu, and I don’t think those count in the same way like cutting yourself does. I don’t actively have a desire or plans to unalive myself, but I’m also not like pumped on life.

I usually don’t give a shit about birthdays, they’re just another day to me, for some reason the idea of turning 29 on Thursday is really fucking with me a bit. I’m overthinking my age and where I’m at in life. I think when I was 18-24 I always felt really far ahead in life, and now like 25-28 I don’t feel ahead, if anything I feel like I’m falling a bit behind and that keeps me up at night. And so I guess there’s been a lot of reflection, a lot of hindsight is 20-20.

I try not to have regrets in life because like, even the things I’ve done that I shouldn’t have, they have some sort of value in the sense of learning lessons, learning not to do them again, but I think where I am professionally is not where I thought I’d be at this point, and that’s bothering me a bit.

You know, when I had to take leave from alcove for anxiety I wasn’t pumped on it. I wouldn’t call it a choice, but when I did make that move I started relaying all the information about returning and etc through HR because I thought if I talked directly to Tom, the owner, it might like make him liable in some sense. Instead that decision and ultimately my lack of ability to get myself out of that situation for so long ruined my relationship with him. It bothers me, sometimes it keeps me up at night. I really want a chance to explain things to him, where I was at, why I didn’t reach out for so long, he won’t talk to me though, and I feel like I’m at a weird point in my career, and I feel like I could use his advice in some sense, or I’d like his advice, so it’s hard. It makes me feel like I failed myself and him in the process, and like as much as he’s a hard ass he really made me appreciate hospitality, and us not having a relationship is hard because I think we had a lot of views in common. Feels like I have no one to talk to about it these days.

When I think about being okay I think about things like my career, and my personal life. I think of the fact that I’m haunted by things I didn’t say or no longer have the chance to say to people. I’m not living in the past but I’m bothered by it. ultimately all these things have taken place for good reason. Part of anxiety is playing the game of what if though. What if I did this or what if I didn’t do this. At the end of the day the what if mentality sucks energy it doesn’t deserve from your present self, but some days I can’t help it. Certain milestones in life make you think about where you were and where you wanna be.

I think for the most part I am WHO I want to be but I am not WHERE I want to be. But what is want if not just a selfish ego driven desire. Maybe what I want is not what I need. Maybe this time next week when my birthday has passed I’ll stop thinking about all of this completely.

Maybe.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.