We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight, and yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home

My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find, and yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can’t be my own
I’d feel better dead

My sister just told me a story about one of the people watching over her medical care the last couple days while she recovered from surgery, I don’t know why this song came to mind, but what he shared with her really hit.

I guess the song will make sense when I explain. So most people know I’m not… well traveled. I’ve never been on a plane, or train, or boat somewhere. I’ve taken a bus to New York, I’ve driven(drove???) to new york, I’ve gone to Toronto a couple times, New Hampshire, Maine, Vermont, the usual suspects. Trains and planes freak me out because of my anxiety and like once you’re going you’re going, there is no stop, airplanes can’t fucking pull over for a second. I’ve never traveled by boat because it’s 2024 and that would be fucking insane.

Sometimes it really bothers me that I haven’t traveled, and other times I’m not really all that mad. Sometimes I think about taking trips and I’m like well I can drive until I reach the point in time where I’m comfortable flying and that’s a very okay thing for me.

This is one of those insecurities that I really keep to myself because I’m a bit embarrassed by it, and I think like, there’s a weird type of judgment people give when you haven’t flown. It was a big problem in my last relationship, and to a degree I get it, and to a degree I don’t. I never held my ex back, she went on girls trips, she still traveled, I stayed home and worked and took care of the dog. That was totally okay with me, but when I think about the idea of dating again this is one of my biggest insecurities.

The anxiety I experience is hard to navigate, because some days it doesn’t really exist and you get to see like who I truly wanna be, and other days it looms like a black fucking cloud and I’m not myself. It’s a battle I fight 100% alone though because when you try to explain it to people, most people just say “don’t think about it” as if that’s some sort of fucking innovative thought. Or just let it pass. Sometimes it does pass, and sometimes it feels like I’m fucking dying. Don’t get me wrong even in that moment of I feel like I’m gonna die I know that’s irrational, but try experiencing a real panic attack, and then tell me to let it pass. Fucking that’s the only thing I’m trying to do.

So my sisters nurse or whatever the fuck he was asked her if she had anxiety and she said yes, and he said “yea I have it pretty bad too, sometimes I have a hard time leaving the house, but I must have the most amazing wife, because even though I don’t fly or take trains or travel much, she’s totally okay with it. She takes girls trips and I stay at home and take care of the kids.”

I honestly got a bit teary eyed when my sister told me because to be honest, I never thought I’d find something like that, and honestly, maybe I won’t. Knowing it’s out there makes you a little more hopeful though. I think that level of understanding between two people is so beautiful.

My gift of self is often taken from me, by anxiety, and causes me to not do things I want to do, or avoid certain places or things. I think about how I’ve finally reached the point in healing from past heart break of like exploring the idea of dating, and sometimes I think I shouldn’t because exploring it because it’s a lot for someone to deal with, it’s a lot for me to deal with.

The times that I get really bad and don’t feel like myself are often the times that passive SI comes along, and sometimes I live in this life that doesn’t feel like my own, and if I can’t live how I want to live, then I don’t want to live at all. I know that’s a bit of a brat mentality, but when my anxiety was bad last year and I wasn’t leaving the house, life was miserable. I didn’t feel like myself, and I was stuck. Sometimes when I get stuck all I really need is someone to sit with me for a minute so I can not feel alone and realize that I can do this, it’s just hard sometimes. Then I think about my last relationship and for some time during it I had that, I had someone who went I was freaking out would just sit there, we didn’t have to talk about it, or talk at all, we’d just sit and when I was ready we’d keep going and pretend it didn’t even happen.

I look back and realize, I know that wasn’t the relationship I was meant to be in, I’m glad I’m out of it, but there are qualities in that person, that I wouldn’t hate to have in my next person. Someone I’ve got my eye on has some of those qualities, but I’m not sure she realizes that yet. Anxiety is a pressure that sometimes doesn’t feel worth having. Like sometimes life outside of anxiety isn’t good enough to want to continue the fight, especially when you’re in it alone.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.