I stayed this long so I might as well stay
I’ve been waiting
I’ve been fading
To the ground

Rather been there, you know?
Why am I losing?

Little bit of a bad mental health day. I realized recently I base my value as a human off how productive I am at work, and currently work is bullshit. I’m paying my penance, which is to learn patience. Through that work is boring, because I have to learn the culture, and the sop’s and understand it all. Well what if I fucking understand things a little faster than other people? What if what takes one person 21 days to learn I can learn in 7? It’s fucking frustrating and today I woke up thinking all the bad things I always think about myself, but today I couldn’t get the words to stop just going over and over.

I wrote out a list of all the things I saw saying to myself on repeat, all the things I believe about myself, all the things I believe everyone thinks about me. I realized it’s time. It’s time to go back to jiu jitsu, it’s time to start running again because if I don’t start doing these things I can’t win the war on mental health happening in my head.

I’m going to share the list, in order I wrote it at about 8am, and it says:

You’re a loser.

You’re weak.

You’ll never be great.

You’re lazy.

Nobody likes you.

Nobody cares about you.

Nobody loves you.

You’re a quitter.

You don’t have what it takes.

You’re a failure.

You’ll be here forever.

You lack dedication.

You’re useless.

You make excuses.

I believe all these things. I think it’s why I’ve come so close to suicide, and battle suicidal ideation as much as I do, because I don’t think it would negatively impact the world, but it would relieve me of having to think about this every day.

I’m going to keep this list, I put it on my phone screen during my run today and just looked at it the whole time. Every time I slowed down I looked, every time I wanted to stop I looked. I ran 6 miles in 49 minutes, I ran a 5k or 3 miles in 18 minutes.

Trying doesn’t seem to be good enough in this world, and the doubt people have in me sometimes makes me realize I should just stop trying, because I’m never going to get there anyways. I’ll always be here.

This one’s short and sweet. I’m down but I’m not out…yet.

Why am I losing?

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

P.S. the song is called liar, it’s by a band named “Brutus” you should listen to them, the lead singer is also the drummer and her voice is incredible. Stay well.