The ghost of you still floats around my room
It lets me know that letting go’s just not the same with you
Now every night I lay here in this bed we made for two
But I’m sleepin’ alone while you’re out there
With somebody in theirs, oh, I hope that he cares
In the way that I did, you abandoned me here
Lost up in my head again, I’m caught inside myself
You promised that it wouldn’t end, but you let me, you let me down

On November 11th, every year I’m reminded of heart break. It’s when I officially asked Mia to be my girlfriend 8 years ago, and god damn how time flies. This year I’m not here to sulk or be upset about it, the opposite actually. Meeting her was without question on of the best things that ever happened to me. The only thing better when it comes to her, is her breaking my heart.

A lot of people don’t take heart break for the opportunity it is, and I did. I’ve spent two years healing, finding out who I am, what I want, who I want to be, how to get there. I spent the last two years just trying to understand life. Two years isn’t enough time to understand all of it, but I sure do understand a lot more today than I did then.

8 years ago when she came into my life, things happened very fast, which should have been a sign, but it was fucking real. From the first time we hung out the chemistry was unlike anything 20 year old Jordan had ever seen. I was excited, she gave me a confidence that I’m not sure I’ve felt since. It was probably the first and only healthy relationship I’ve been in. She immediately became my rock, and the way she supported me, she was my biggest cheerleader always. it’s something that still blows my mind to this day.

As great as the 6 years together were, the last two putting myself back together have been.. a true blessing. When she told me she didn’t want to get married I immediately went into fight or flight, and I wasn’t running. I fought like hell, I fought harder than I should have, and for what? All the fighting didn’t work, if anything it pushed her away faster, but then again I love pushing people away.

The last two years have been, the darkest two years of my life, and it’s crazy to realize how long heart break can follow you for. It took two full years for me to get to a place where I feel like I could date someone new, two full years to get to a point where I don’t really wonder what she’s up to, or if she’s okay. Don’t get me wrong I hope she’s happy and well, and I don’t say that just to say it. It goes back to the saying you don’t have to like anyone, you have to love everyone. I don’t like her, she did some shitty things to me, and the way she’s changed just proves her character is based on who she’s around, but I love her. Not like I’m in love with her but, I almost married her, we had a dog, and a house, at one point she was pregnant with my child. I’ll always have love for her, and so I don’t say I hope she’s happy and well just to sound like the bigger man, there is no high road here. There is just the road, and I really do hope she is well and happy. I hope she’s found what she’s looking for.

I’m surprised at how fast she moved on but I also realized something. Me not moving on quickly is going to benefit my future, it allowed me time to heal, to not be insecure in my next relationship. To not bring my past into my future.

I’m a bit masochistic in the sense that there’s someone out there right now, who I’m going to wait on. I like to set these goals for myself that benefit me whether I achieve them or not. If I wait and she never comes around, I learn and grow from that. If I wait and she does, and I think she will, then I get to learn and grow with her. I set the goal of opening a restaurant, not even necessarily because I want to, but just to prove people wrong, and if I do it, then I made my dream for the last 12 years come true. And if I don’t, I’m sure I learned something along the way.

I think what really got me about all of this, is my sister spread some of my dogs ashes in the concrete that will hold her green house. Presley will get to help her aunt grow food for our family, and she’ll live on. It made me realize that the hardest part of moving forward is going to be dating someone, or being with someone who doesn’t understand and didn’t get to experience such a big fucking part of who I am and why. I mean I can never explain what Presley means to me because the words don’t exist. Nobody will ever understand, and I think that will be a challenge in my next relationship because how do you date someone whose identity is made of something you never got to share.

All this to say, we’re moving on, we’re waiting for someone, I’m happy I experienced it, but I’m also happy it’s over. That relationship wasn’t sustainable and neither was that version of myself. The version of me that exists today, I’m a little more comfortable with.

Fuck my ex – Drake

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.