Theo Von was recently on Joe Rogan’s podcast and I listened to the episode, before you get your entitled panties in a bunch let me say; yes I listen to Joe Rogan the COMEDIAN. I don’t listen for politic advice or medical. While Joe Rogan and I are aligned on some political things, there’s plenty we see different.

Anyways for those that don’t know Theo Von is a fellow comedian, and also someone who speaks about addiction and mental health on his own platform. He spoke about addiction on this episode and what he said was so profound. He said “I think when you have addiction you wanna do something that harms you, because it’s control, I wanna control how I feel, so even if how I feel isn’t great there’s a weird juxtaposition where if I have control over it it’s almost like I’m the devil trying to kill me. It feels so hectic right now that at least if I damage myself I’m the one doing at least I’m not letting the world do it to me. In the moment you don’t see that that has no value. In the moment all you think is at least I’m taking control of the situation.”

What a fucking quote huh? I’ve never really been an addict, at least not in the sense of substance, I’ve never been an alcoholic or a drug addict. I am addicted to self sabotage, and I am addicted to self harm in some sense. I do it to control the narrative. I try to push people away or run from people because if I leave someone at least then they can’t leave me.

I know it comes from my past, from my parents, from my ex, now I live in this weird little world of like, when something is going well I’m like ok how can I fuck this up before it fucks me up. Is it a healthy way to live? Fuck no. There is something comforting in being the one who hurts you though, because at some point everyone leaves your life, at some point everyone hurts you, so if you sabotage those things before someone can leave or hurt you, you then have it in your head that you were the one who did it, not that someone did it to you.

Being addicted to sabotaging and hurting yourself is strange, because what’s the solution? The solution to drug addiction is you can go down a road of treatment programs and even medications. The solution to alcoholism can be a 12 step program. Is there a solution to being addicted to ruining your own life?

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.