I was running out of time
Inspiration hard to find
Across the Rio Grande
Take me to your city lights
Out by the riverside
I know you understand

Play me something downtempo
Low-key and rock steady
Body hittin’ like Kimbo
Fallin’ for you like confetti
More whiskey and ginger
Love, I’m a just a beginner

I’m having a bit of a mid life crisis. Now before you say I’m being dramatic because I’m turning 29 and that’s not mid-life, I’d be surprised to make it to 60. People in my family don’t live long, the planet is dying, everything is bad for you, everything gives you cancer, so to some degree my life feels half over.

I’m not having the crisis where I feel the need to buy a sports car and date a 19 year old, I’m having the crisis of I’m not where I want to be. I’m not where I thought I’d be, I’m having a hard time finding the inspiration to keep going.

I think the hardest part of me feeling this way is it makes me feel like I should be punished for having a weak mindset, so next week we’re going back to jiu jitsu. Jiu jitsu serves as punishment. It also keeps me disciplined and consistent. I haven’t been going because I haven’t had energy, I think because I’ve been on antidepressants most of my life at this point, I might have low testosterone.

I’ve decided for my birthday I have an appointment with a doctor to get on TRT. I think between that and jiu jitsu maybe I can break the weak spots I have in my current mindset. I don’t like my new job but I think it becomes a moment of learning. Learning that just because I work 40 hours a week now instead of 60 doesn’t mean anything, learning that I have unlimited paid time off and I should take advantage of that because I haven’t taken a vacation in a decade.

I watched my dad miss one step and lose everything, so for me if I’m not working 60 hours a week I’m going to lose everything. All I want in life is to be nothing like my dad, so I over work, to convince myself I’m not him. But he had a good work ethic before everything went south, so maybe I’m more like the man I hate than I think I am. I don’t mean I hate my dad, my dad is what he is and I’ve come to terms with it. I don’t like my dad but I love my dad. I don’t like that I never got to know my mom for who she was before him, before she ended up in an abusive, controlling, dark relationship. I hear she was happy and fun but, I never got to see that version of her, my dad took that from me.

I think jiu jitsu is a punishment and a reminder that if you don’t continue working towards being a strong person, you’ll be a weak one. It’s my purpose in this world to protect weak people, and people in their moments of vulnerability. Someone recently said I should treat myself, but I don’t like treating myself. For me buying something for someone else, or doing something for someone else makes me feel good, I do it for selfish reasons.

I think I’m running out of time,

inspiration is definitely hard to find.

Love, I’m just a beginner.

J.