You trace your steps back to the start
See the clock there slowing
The hindsight’s been the hardest part
Hurts to see you glowing

‘Cause I remember late September
Your silhouette on blue wallpaper
In the hallway
You drew the line and pulled me under
But do you ever stop to wonder
About me?

All of the things we pulled apart
I let it go, it doesn’t matter
The seasons changed, it broke my heart
But I will always remember you
When we were dancing in the living room
Yeah, yeah

I see it now who I was back then
So young and hungry
You loved me strong, and you were my friend
When the world felt empty

But I remember sentimental
Sleepless nights, I set the table
And just waited
All along, I would have given
Every song I’ve ever written
Just to spend one day with you

I’ve listened to this song 15 times today at least. Something about it, and what Maggie is saying in it really gets me. This idea that our past, and people from it haunt us, and the stories we tell ourselves as we create new realities. I think for me personally, it officially feels like the seasons have changed. I’m not sure if it’s the new month or just something in me, but it feels like we skipped fall and winter is here, it feels like the seasons have truly changed, the weather a bit different, the day light a bit different. Life, the perspective of, all a little bit different.

This is always the time of year where my past, or people from it, haunt me a little. It’s been that way as long as I can remember. I think I’m slowly falling into this idea that the past is not my concern, but like everything, learning a new way of thinking takes time. Plus I don’t know if trying to rid yourself of past memories is healthy. I don’t think it’s healthy to live in the past, but there’s some things back there, good and bad, that are the reason I sit here today in the way that I do.

I heard this quote last night that made me think a bit about the past. Something along the lines of have you ever noticed after a break up the loyal one stays single until they are healed, and the cheater is already in another relationship. The loyal one is completely invested, that’s why when it’s over it takes them time to heal and grow, they don’t just jump emotionally they are exhausted and need time alone. Cheaters need more than one person to feed their ego that’s why they already have someone in line when things go bad.

Ironically, I’ve been on both sides of that. When I was 20 I was the cheater and got out of a relationship and immediately started dating someone new. When I was almost 27 that person left me to start dating someone new, and here I am about to turn 29, I’ve been single ever since. I gotta say I prefer this side better. I’m happy that I was left for someone else. A humble reminder.

I think it’s easy to get lost in ego within the world we live in today. What’s great about being humble and having humility, is realizing this: Treat every opportunity in life as one you don’t deserve, because you don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve the opportunities I’ve been afforded in this life, it’s what makes me so grateful for them. It’s what makes me believe in something bigger than us humans.

I’m lucky enough to have people believe I’m a good person, even though I don’t believe it myself. The tricky thing with that is one day if those people stop believing it, then I know it’s true. I can’t allow myself to see what those people see, because I fear it’ll change me, in ways I don’t want to change.

I’m feeling a bit of guilt today, because I realized I didn’t share a picture of Presley on October 26th this year, her adoptiversary. 7 years, it would have been 7 years. That’s so crazy to think about. I feel selfish, and self absorbed for not remembering. I feel like a bad dog dad, because she hasn’t even been gone two years, how could I already start forgetting to celebrate the important days we had together? I guess every day was important with her.

I think the one shitty thing about healing is that, as you heal, you start to forget the past a little, and it feels like I’m healing backwards because I remember all the shit I don’t want to, and forget things like the day I took Presley home.

I know I’m not actually healing backwards, because I’m finding bigger things in life, but I don’t want to forget the little ones, or the big ones that aren’t here anymore. I know I’m healing properly because for the first time in a couple years, I don’t feel afraid to open myself up to love, or the idea that I deserve it. That level of vulnerability is something I shut down for a long time, and I don’t want to anymore.

All along, I would have given
Every song I’ve ever written
Just to spend one day with you

As a creative person, these few lines get stuck in my head. I don’t write songs, but I’ve written 257 of these fucking things, and I’d erase every one for another day with Presley. I don’t write songs but I create cocktails, and I’d lose every fucking recipe for all 50+ I’ve come up with to spend the day with one person in my life who I probably think about a bit too much. Giving away the things you’ve created out of a way of coping with life, is one of the ultimate sacrifices one could make for love. To me there’s nothing more important than love though. Loving people, being loved. There’s nothing more powerful, especially with the stresses of the life we’re living.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.