Entertain us
But please don’t wake me up
I betrayed us
But us don’t give a fuck

Kill myself today
Kill it all away
Broken path I made
Please just stay away

I know I fucked up before, but I won’t do it again
And I got a lot of things that I wish I would’ve said
And I’m the same damn fool, and I’m wearing that hat again
I know I fucked up, and I can’t make it right

Watch yourself, I can’t slow down
This is who I am
Can’t be anyone else, so
Don’t let me go, save yourself
Just save yourself
Just save yourself

I accepted a job and it feels like a decision I wasn’t supposed to make. The only reason it feels that way is because it’s not the normal type of restaurant you’d find me in, which made me realize something.

When it comes to hospitality and the service industry I operate at a high level, in all senses.

High quality.

High strung.

High stress.

High expectations.

Everything needs to be this certain way, with certain steps of service, and if you don’t do it that way it’s wrong and you’re a hack. What if I’m wrong though?

I know I’m wrong because I often don’t refer to it as the service industry, but the hospitality industry, and hospitality can be shown in both super upscale fine dining, and as casual as McDonalds. It can also be shown anywhere in that spectrum. So what exactly is the problem?

My reputation. I’m known for working in cocktail bars, or restaurants that offer a certain level of service and quality of food. If I’m not doing that I’m afraid I’ll never be able to do it again. So why take the job?

Well in some sense this job is a means to an end. The owner of this company is going to promote me and teach me all things operations, it’s going to happen fast, and his goal is to get me to know all the things I need to know to open my own restaurant, and perhaps even finance that for me. They say when you’re scared is when you’re supposed to jump, so I jumped. The risk? If it doesn’t work out with this guy I’m not sure another high level restaurant would take me with this on my resume, that makes me nervous. I’ve always been calculated in decisions to have decent enough places on my resume that even the higher end places would give me a chance. I am scared this path may change that.

The only thing scarier than failure is regret. I can’t keep living my life safe, I can’t keep limiting what I believe I’m capable of. When you’re raised by heroine addicts and grow up poor you assume you’ll never be in a position to own your own business. I want it, and I won’t stop until I get it. Nothing will stop me either. I don’t care if I have to work at McDonalds making $15/hr for the rest of my life to save the money to be able to do it. I will open a restaurant. I am laser focused on two things in life right now, opening a restaurant is one. The other is for me to know.

Sometimes thinking about all this worries me though, makes me think twice, makes me second guess. Sometimes I feel like maybe I’m actually not good enough, smart enough, talented enough. Maybe I’m not cut out for this life, and I never wanna disappoint the people around me, I’d rather them save themselves.

I was born to fuck up
I was born, what a shame

Take my own life just to save yours

J