Hiding in your hoodie, pulling on its strings
Haven’t took it off since you told me everything
God, I wish that you didn’t
Had to take a knife and open up the cut
Silver in the light, watch it tear me up
I’ll bleed out any minute

I could look the other way again
‘Cause I learned from the best how to play pretend

If a tree falls
I don’t wanna hear it
‘Cause if I don’t know
I don’t have to feel it
If I don’t see it going down
Then why can’t I just block it out?

You know, being someone who feels a lot of things, is both the most beautiful thing in the world, and the ugliest. When I was getting my hands tattooed I remember talking to nick about how curious I am to live one day of being someone who lacks self-awareness. Just 24 hours of being one of the mouth breathing, selfish jackasses that exist in such high quantities. The type of guy there is no demand for because we’ve created an endless supply of them as a society.

It’s funny until that conversation I never saw myself as creative, despite having come up with hundreds of cocktails and written many cocktail lists, also doing wood working and so on. Nick said something along the lines of when you’re born a creative person you’re also born with this part of you that is aware of your surroundings, in a way a lot of people don’t understand.

I’m not sure this has anything to do with this song but let me see if I can get there.

I guess I was just talking with my sister tonight, about life, about the past, which usually ends poorly but tonight ended okay. I realized there’s things I wish I didn’t know, I wish I was more ignorant, which is probably insane to say. I do believe I have a sense for finding things out that other people don’t possess, and I believe it’s a bit of a curse.

I think I’m at this interesting point in my life where, I care for someone, and my actions show it. I believe they care for me but their actions don’t. Obviously we all know actions speak louder than words but I guess sometimes I wonder what if?

What if they’re just scared of feeling certain things, or just a little unsure and need time? Do you let go and give up on someone you think could get there, or do you move on and settle for something that isn’t necessarily what you want.

It’s funny my sister just told me a random story about her first boyfriend ever when she was 12, and the first time they kissed and blah blah. Well obviously when you’re 12 that’s not a real relationship and so it was brief and not very involved. That same guy 12 years later was her husband. Things didn’t work out but I always think about how crazy that is, how I believe sometimes people leave our lives, but they come back at a certain time and it’s for more than what they were the first time.

Maybe this is a bit of wishful thinking from me, but I think I’m having trouble giving up on someone, even if I did see the tree fall.

If I don’t see it going down
Then why can’t I just block it out?

J