Love, love of mine
Won’t you lay by my side
And rest your weary eyes
Before we’re out of time
Give me one last kiss
For soon, such distance
Will stretch between our lips
Now the day’s losing light

My sister talked about how she has to get her will together, and put her house in a trust. I guess as you age and own things you start to think about that shit. When I owned a house it was simple, if I was to die the house would have gone to my ex, I didn’t need to think about who to leave it to or worry about someone fighting over it.

Humans are greedy, I remember when my grandmother died, after the funeral I didn’t talk to most of that side of the family ever again, she died when I was a kid, maybe 7 or 8 years old. My mom is one of nine, and it broke her family. Those sisters were never the same, and some haven’t talked since. Over a house? Keep the fucking house if it’s worth losing your siblings over to you, then you probably deserve the house.

I asked my sister if she could put her house in a trust to go to the Native American tribe that lived on this land before us, because I don’t want it. I don’t want the responsibility, and it won’t bring her back, so I don’t need it.

We talked a lot about dying today, and it made me think even a little deeper into that. I think I’ve picked a place to spread Presley’s ashes. I’m just not sure I’m ready to face that alone, something about it feels like I don’t trust myself to do it alone. I know that when my dying day does come, I’d also like to be put in a box and turned to dust, to be spread wherever she is.

That dog dying was the worst thing that ever could have happened to me, and I would have traded places with her any day, because what she gave the world I never could. That dog dying was also one of the best things that happened to me. It made me believe in true love, and unconditional love. It made me want to give love to more people because everyone deserves to know they’re loved and it’s going to be okay. I say love you to people all the time. They probably think I’m a freak but I think it’s important. It can reel someone back in if they’re going through it.

Before I knew any of these conversations were gonna take place today I actually had a weird moment. My sister’s youngest dog, Billie, reminds me so much of Presley, an absolute terror. I was walking bill today and a car drove buy and one of the biggest German Shepards I’ve ever seen barked and bill got scared and hid behind me. I kneeled down and just pet her, told her she was always safe with me, that if it was between that dog attacking her or attacking me I’d always stand in the way. Obviously she didn’t know what the fuck I was talking about but it made me think. The people I love, like really fucking love, there’s not many in this world. But those people are always safe as long as I’m here.

This is going to sound arguably conservative, and if it is well, get the fuck over it. I believe every man should be that way, I truly would protect anyone I love with all I have, even if that means my life. I think that’s part of instinct from when we were monkeys, it was a mans job to protect his people. Now we live in a world where what a man is can be a lot of different things, which I have no problem or malice against, but I think if we pause for a second and talk about biological men, it’s their job to protect others, especially those who can’t protect themselves. I don’t believe in gender roles for women, but I do believe men are supposed to protect. Women can do as they wish, if they wanna stay at home and cook great, if they want to work and live life great, I don’t believe women should be painted into the boxes society used to paint them into because women offer more than a person to have your child and cook your meal. Men however are much less evolved and should stick to protecting the tribe.

I guess with all this I thought about what it would be like to not be here anymore. I don’t need a will or anything, I don’t care what happens to any of my stuff. What it made me think about is what I’d be remembered for, what type of man I’d be remembered as. I hope that when I go, people remember me as kind, and loving, and a little bit of a prick. I also hope people know how much I enjoy taking care of others. I was portioning pizza dough while I was thinking about this and, highlight of my week. That pizza dough took me like 18 hours to make, but when I use it, it’ll feed and nourish people I love, and I couldn’t ask for anything more. Nothing would make me happier than that. Nothing does make me happier than that. Making drinks for other people, making food for other people, it’s such a beautiful way to show love. I’ve made thousands of cocktails in my career, I’ve cooked dinner countless times in my life. I’m so happy that I did that, that I took an interest in learning how to cook good food for the people around me, because I got to show them love. That’s the only thing I wanna be remembered for.

No I am not where I belong
Bring me your love tonight

J