We’ve got a long way to go
Winds are howlin’
I can feel it in my bones
Are we drownin’?

We were two ships in the night
Passing by in the pale moonlight and capsized
We were two ships in the night
Hellbent on trying to survive and capsized

Been feeling a bit capsized the last few days. The last week or so has been a whirl wind of emotions, and to be honest I’m having trouble making sense of a lot of them. These are the times they tell you to get in touch with natural, look for gut feelings. My gut is telling me a lot of conflicting things.

I think sometimes you reach points in life, where you’re so focused on surviving, you sort of forget to live? At least that’s what I’ve felt like since last Friday. Like I spent all this time getting out of fight or flight, only to end up right back in it.

I think what my dad said to me yesterday stung so bad because it feels true? It feels like I’ve failed, this whole experience has made me question everything a little bit. Do I belong in hospitality? Do I want to be in hospitality? Did I fail? Will I find another job in a leadership position or do I have to go back to bartending? Do I want to be at all?

Today I woke up feeling like I could use the presence of someone familiar, really today I woke up and wished I had Presley around to take for a walk in the woods. That was always a way to see a little beauty in life, and for things to feel less heavy.

I know I’m lost because no matter how many times I wipe off my glasses, I can’t seem to see the beauty in anything. The simple things that usually put a smile on my face, aren’t doing it. Sometimes it feels like drowning. I had a dream last night that I couldn’t breathe, so this song felt fitting to write about. It feels like the walls are closing in, and I don’t know which way is out.

I was between this song and against the grain, because in it Dallas says when the day seems lost from the start you must follow your heart. I’m just not sure I like the direction it’s taking me.

A wicked gale I am my darling
And you can’t save me

J