Sorrowing man
Look how worn you’ve become
You once were lord of the barren sea
There’s blood on our hands
In this perfect madness 
You’re living on borrowed time

Oh, how you have lost your way
Oh, how you have lost your way

There’s no sympathy
For we don’t know the cure
‘Cause what you’ve got, well it runs too pure
But you’ve lived and breathed 
More than any man I know
But you’re not done, or at least I hope

Oh, how you have lost your way
Oh, how you have lost your way

I’m not a nice person, but I am a kind one. There are very few things I’ll give myself credit on in this life, and that’s for a variety of reasons that I may never know. What I do know is I’m not someone I would describe as nice, but I am kind.

I got into an argument with my dad today, somehow I let it get to this point of making me feel like a worthless piece of shit. My dad, not a good guy. Very fucking bad guy actually, and that’s how I figured out I’m kind. I try not to say mean shit to my dad because I never wanna be the hurt person who hurts people. I accept that he is who he is, and me saying something mean isn’t going to change that. Today I let him win though, and it changed something in me.

He has called me every fucking day since I got fired, and if he was calling saying hey bud just checking in because I don’t wanna see you end up in a bad place again because of this. That’s a phone call I would not only tolerate but it would be appreciated. Instead he calls every day to ask if I have a new job. Today he called me while I was walking my sister’s dogs and asked how my interview went yesterday. I said good, he said what does that mean, I said it means it went well. He said so did you get the job. Now I don’t know what world he’s living in, but I’ve only been offered a job on the spot in a handful of the many interviews I’ve had in my life.

Anyone who has worked in a restaurants knows you interview, you stage, they you get an offer.. or not. It’s a process it usually takes a couple of weeks, I’m not in a rush, I’ve had some great people reach out.

I told him I was meeting Kristin for coffee on Tuesday after an interview and he said well what if she asks you to come back, I said there’s 3 conditions. He said you can’t give people ultimatums, which really fucking annoyed me. There’s no handbook to life, and this woman just let someone fire me. Nobody gets to tell me what the fuck I can and can’t do. I said well if she wants me to work for her I can give her conditions in which I will work. If those conditions aren’t met then I’ll wave to her from the top because that’s the only fucking place I’m headed, or so I felt in that moment. I said look man you haven’t had a job since I was like 12, I can go work at any restaurant in the city I dont need 1928. This is where things changed, the whole conversation shifted.

He said you can work at any restaurant but you’re not, you’ve been unemployed for 3 weeks, I don’t know what work he’s living in, but it’s been 8 days, I’ve had 4 interviews in 8 days. I have another 2 Monday, one Tuesday, and one Wednesday. He totally missed the point though. I’m looking to grow my career not stay in the same place, so as I interview I’m looking for something specific. If I wanted to go bartend because I was desperate for money, I could go bartend at ANY restaurant in the city of Boston. It’s not a fucking debate.

He finished the conversation by saying well you’re an adult you’re gonna do what you want and I said fucking right and hung up. Then I felt guilty for being mean to him.

I think the thing is, I hurt him because I’m hurt, which not a good thing to do, going around hurting people just because you’re hurt. Is it more acceptable to hurt someone who is the cause of your hurt? Probably not.

What he doesn’t understand is that I’ve been an adult since I was 12 years old. Since my sister took custody of me on July 8th, 2008. She did that because my parents couldn’t take care of me, they were homeless on heroin, and you’re going to give me a hard time about not having a job for a week?

You know what I love about this blog is it’s my opportunity to say all the things I’d like to say without actually hurting anyone.

What I’d like to say is hey man, in spite of you being one of the worst dad’s of all fucking time, I made it dude. Even though you didn’t teach me how to shave or treat women or take care of the people around me or stand up for what’s right. In fact the only thing you did teach me is how to change a tire. Despite all of that, despite being raised by a single woman with no fucking male figure in my life, I made it. I bought a house at 24, I got engaged, I raised a dog, and chickens, and took care of a house, and the people around me. Did it all work out? fuck no, but I did it all. In fact, I did it all and I’m still here today doing it even though it didn’t work out. You got addicted to drugs and gave the fuck up and when you got out of prison, you got on social security, that’s how you live. My mom works while you sit at home. You control her, you’re a psycho, controlling, overbearing, shitty fucking husband. I still made it. You have mesothelioma and instead of trying to take care of yourself and fight, you smoke cigarettes every day, you skip doctors appointments. Man your time on this earth is fucking limited, and instead of worrying how I feel, mentally, about getting fired, about myself, you give me a hard time cause I didn’t find a job in 5 business days. Your time on this earth is limited and instead of trying to take care of yourself so you can maybe see me get married, and see me do all the things I dream of doing what do you do? You sit around smoking cigarettes just taking minutes off the clock.

Life is uncertain so I don’t know which one of us dies first, but I’d be the strongest motherfucker at your funeral, and I wouldn’t do it for me. I’d do it for the people you were supposed to be taking care of this whole fucking time. But if I died first, you’d be the weakest motherfucker at my funeral(which i don’t want) and you’d make it about yourself.

It’s cool to care about people, and to worry about people. Don’t be so insecure in yourself that your way of checking in on someone is just making them feel worse. It’s not cool to kick someone when they’re down, and it’s not cool to make your kid question his worth more than you already have in this life.

I couldn’t imagine being so fucking selfish.

But you’ve lived and breathed 
More than any man I know
But you’re not done, or at least I hope

Sorry for the rant, maybe it’s time for a break.

Stay well.

J.