Fightin’ for my trust and you won’t back down
Even if we gotta risk it all right now, oh

I know you’re scared of the unknown
You don’t wanna be alone
I know I always come and go
But it’s out of my control

October 25th, doomsday. About this time two years ago, I was going to kill myself. The only thing I didn’t know is I had a living breathing angel in my presence, there to protect me. Her name was Presley.

I shared the other day about how I was going to take my life two years ago today, and how the thing that stopped me was my beautiful, loving dog. Every time this date comes around I can’t help but feel some of the things I felt that day, except Presley isn’t here to stop me anymore, to save me. 2 months after that day Presley was diagnosed with Lymphoma. Rather than treat her with chemo and a bunch of poison, I just made her as comfortable as I could as long as I could, until the day came where I put her to sleep.

I love looking back on dark times in life because it’s a reminder. It’s a reminder that for a while I thought October 25th was the hardest day of my life, because I almost took my own life. For a while I thought October 4th was the hardest day because it’s when my ex left. The hardest day is February 27th, the day Presley went to sleep. I would relive October 25th or October 4th every day for the rest of my life, for one more day with that dog. October 4th I had my heart ripped out and I’d live that day every single day for the rest of my time here, for 24 hours with Presley. October 25th I felt worthless, and like enough of a burden that I wanted to end it. I’d live with that feeling every day for the rest of my time, for 24 hours with Presley.

See the problem on those days wasn’t what was actually happening. Break ups happen who gives a shit. It was probably for the better. When it happened though I was scared of the unknown, what my life would look like after disaster. October 25th, the scary part wasn’t dying. It was the wonder of who would find me, and what that would do to that person permanently, it was the wonder of who would tell my sister, how Presley would react. It was the fear of the unknown.

October 4th was scary because I don’t like to be alone, I’m comfortable being alone, I’m used to being alone, but I don’t like it. Mostly during that time I didn’t like being alone because it gave me time to think about permanent solutions to temporary problems.

Sometimes mental health can really make you feel like you come and go, like you’re different people, and the person you want to be and truly are, isn’t always present due to the hijacking of your brain. Slowly I gain control over it, but ultimately it’s still out of my control.

Two years, I’d be gone for two years today. Here are my thoughts on that:

What the fuck was I thinking? Giving up? me? Fuck that

In the last two years I’ve experienced so much. Some of the most important people in my life have come into it in the last two years. Some of my favorite people ever I’ve either met or started spending more time talking to over the last two years.

I’ve got to experience things I never would, like hanging out with John krasinski, and eddy Vedder. I got to meet Dallas Green and thank him for his music and what it’s done for my life. I got to bartend at a place that used to think I wasn’t good enough and prove them wrong. I got to be the assistant general manager of a place and lead a team of professional kind people(and some real nut cases).

Two years of beauty, could have been gone because I didn’t like a version of myself.

A piece of advice to each of you, advice you didn’t ask for:

If you don’t like who you are today for whatever reason, looks, body, personality, any of it. Just hang on. Even through your subconscious, you’re on your way to being the person you want to be. If you don’t feel worthy, or loved, or good enough: Just hang on, because people are going to come into your life and make you feel more than good enough, they’re going to make you feel worthy of love you didn’t know existed.

Never give up. It doesn’t fix your problems, it just means you allowed external problems become internal problems. Nothing external can break you.

I’m not religious but I heard a quote that rings true “when you’re favored by god, you’re also favored by the devil.” You gotta leave the dance with the person you came with, so do good, be good.

Most importantly: Stay well.

J

P.S. You’re the sunflower, you know who you are.