Nothing’s really happened like I thought it would

I can’t rest on no dynasty
Yeah, what is wrong with me?
Man, I’m so sorry
I got the best of me
I really damn been on such a violent spree

I think any day I talk to my psychiatrist I get lost in some thought that’s deeper than it needs to be. During the last time we talked I discussed how I felt like I was meant to live life alone, and work was the only thing that really made me feel fulfilled in life. I guess not much has changed in the last few weeks.

Work is still the only thing that really makes me feel something, for the last week I feel like I’ve just been floating in space and time and I fucking hate it. I don’t feel grounded by anything or a sense of purpose or belonging. Something about the lack of hospitality in my life really makes me wonder if I have a purpose without my job, or a use outside of it.

Spending this last week not working has made me realize that I don’t do a lot outside of work. if I never stepped foot in a restaurant again would I ever feel a sense of purpose or belonging? I honestly don’t know the answer to that question, and to some degree now I understand.

People who are truly exceptional at their jobs, often seem to have failed family lives, or not many friends outside of it. Elon musk, whatever you think of him, has been married and divorced 3 times. Tom Brady, his family left him seemingly because he couldn’t leave the game.

I distinctly remember in January of 2022 my ex asking me if I’d wanna go on a mini honeymoon the night after we got married to Portland Maine for the week. I said I’d see where I was at with work and decide then. A response that didn’t go over well. We were together for 6 years but at least 3 of those years I loved my job so much more than I loved her. I also showed my job so much more attention than I showed her.

I come from a place of feeling the need to prove myself. Growing up I was bullied, and abandoned. I wasn’t the biggest, the fastest, the best looking, the smartest, I wasn’t the best at anything. There was one thing I had over everyone else: I don’t quit. I am obnoxiously persistent. I do not quit and I do not give up because I can’t afford to. I watched my dad go from having a good paying job and a house and all the things that his generation wants in life, to being in prison, to shooting heroine, to being homeless, and it felt like it happened overnight. It scared the drive to be better into me.

You’re tired? Good. Do it anyways.

You’re scared? Good. Do it anyways.

Seeing that happen put in my head that regardless of the circumstance, you do it anyways. Some days I wish I could get that out of my head. I haven’t taken a real vacation since 2018. This week of not working has been excruciating. I don’t know how to just be, I can’t sit still. If I’m sitting still someone is out there, working harder than me, working for the position I want, getting ahead of me.

It’s funny right before covid hit I discussed becoming an agm or gm with my employer at the time. He believed I had what it took. I was 24, fucking 24. So now as I sit here at 28, almost 29, I feel like I failed. I still didn’t get there. I don’t know that I ever will.

I failed, failed him, failed myself. The odds were never in my favor but I thought if I just kept going, I’d make it.. but I didn’t. My most recent audacious goal I had thought of a few months ago, it was to open my own restaurant by the time I turned 30. A year and 3 weeks to go, but I failed that too.

Man, I’m so sorry
I got the best of me.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.