Hold on, I thought that I could take it from here
Oh, I thought that I was gone and I’m cleared
Now it’s getting harder (ooh)
Hold on, I thought that I was doing so well
Oh, like everything was under a spell
Now it’s getting harder

I never loved you fully in the way I could
I fought the current running just the way you would
And now I’m in the creek
And it’s getting harder
I’m like falling water

Go on and tell me just what I’m supposed to say
As if it could be any other way
Oh, it’s getting louder
Go on and tell me just how I could allow
All that’s light to end up somehow
Where it’s getting darker

If you aren’t in the mood to read some heavy shit, stop reading now.

I reached a point almost two years ago(two years ago on Friday) that I was fully ready to be done living, and I’ve been thinking about that a lot this last few days. October 25th, 2022 I fully intended on taking my own life, had a plan, even began to execute that plan. My dog barked and it’s sorta what made me stop.

The one thing I didn’t want is I didn’t want someone to catch me while I could still be saved, and at that time my ex was stopping at the house every few days for clothes because she was staying with her mom. I gave my dog a big kiss and went into the basement, where I won’t share details of how. As I began to make a decision that ultimately wouldn’t have been reversible, and would leave you without something to read right now, my dog barked. I thought maybe my ex was there so I ran upstairs, no one was there. Just my dog sitting at the basement door, and when I opened it she jumped at me, like she knew.

I sat on the couch with her and just cried, I realized if I didn’t leave the house and find a way to get this emotion out, I ultimately would die, and while I didn’t want to continue living the way I was, I don’t think I wanted to die. I think maybe I just wanted that version of myself to die, so I could become something else.

That’s what a lot of people misunderstand about the overwhelming feelings surrounding taking your own life, it’s not that you necessarily wanna die, but you don’t want to continue your life as it is, feeling the pain that you do. Sometimes that pain becomes so big and heavy that you can’t see a way out, because it’s heavy and it’s dark, all you can see is one step in front of you.

I lost that feeling for a long time. That day I left my house and went to a jiu jitsu gym and had my first class. At first class was helpful because it would wear me out until I couldn’t think anymore. It then became helpful because it felt like a form of punishment, and during that time it felt like I didn’t deserve anything good. Then it was good because it gave me a bit of confidence.

Ultimately it made me realize I was stronger than I thought I was, because as much as jiu jitsu is physical it’s mental. You end up in these positions where someone can submit you and in those moments you need to ask yourself, do I keep trying to get out of this position or is it too tight. Don’t get me wrong sometimes you tap but you keep going after. Sometimes you tell yourself keep going though and they don’t get the submission. It teaches you to push yourself to your absolute limits. There were times I wouldn’t tap until I was actually starting to pass out, it teaches you to fight for as long as you can.

After a few months of training I got to a place where I felt like I could handle life again, I began working more and more, and training less and less, and over some time the dark times made their way back.

I think ultimately we’re back to a place where it’s getting harder, harder not to think like that, harder not to be so dark.

I’ll write about this again on Friday because that’s the day I’ll really reflect on the last two years and all the things I wouldn’t have done had I taken my life that day, but let me also just say now, shortly: some of you reading this, I didn’t know you two years ago, and I just want to thank you so fucking much for coming into my life, for making the world a beautiful place, for making my world a more beautiful place on my bad days. Keep fucking going, you guys rock, and I’m lucky you’re here with me.

Stay well.

J.