I love making you believe
What you get is what you see
But I’m so fake happy
I feel so fake happy
And I bet everybody here
Is just as insincere
We’re all so fake happy
And I know fake happy

So I’ve been doing a good job of makin’ ’em think
I’m quite alright, better hope I don’t blink
You see it’s easy when I’m stomping on a beat
But no one sees me when I crawl back underneath

If I smile with my teeth
Bet you believe me
If I smile with my teeth
I think I believe me

Oh please don’t ask me how I’ve been
Don’t make me play pretend
Oh no, oh what’s the use
Oh please, I bet everybody here is fake happy too

Happy is the only thing I’ve ever faked in life. I like to think I’m one of those people who doesn’t really have anything to hide, so when people ask me pretty much anything I give an honest answer. It’s not that I can’t lie, it’s just that most of the time I don’t see the point.

I think happy is one of the few things most people fake, unless you’re a woman, then you fake orgasms too. No one fakes sadness, and if they do they’re really fucking bizarre. People fake happy to satisfy other people. I fake it to satisfy other people.

The cordial thing to say when someone says “how are you?” is fine or good. I’m not here to be cordial though, for the most part I say what I mean, and mean what I say. I’ll admit that like every other human I am flawed and sometimes when I’m upset with someone I say things I don’t mean. One time I was upset and basically called my best friend a whore. Had nothing to do with her or who she is, she’s one of the kindest and smartest people in the world, I was just upset and took it out on her.

When someone asks how you are the last thing they wanna hear is anything bad, because usually when someone asks how you are, they don’t actually give a fuck, so it’s easier for everyone to just say fine.

I think as the days go on, and I begin to process the firing, and begin to start interviewing at other places, it’s one of those pivotal moments in life. One of those moments where you pause and wonder what you want out of this next chapter. Just because you want something doesn’t mean you’re going to get it, but my birthday is a month from today, and I’m not where I wanna be in life. I’m getting ready to start this new chapter and so I can’t help but wonder, what exactly do I want in life?

Sometimes you feel so sure of what you want in life. If you asked me what I wanted two weeks ago, I’d have said I’m going to become the gm of 1928, work 7 days a week, spend several of the next few years of my life alone, working, focused on just that. Today I start to wonder a little bit about if there’s more to life than just my work. Or I guess if I want there to be more to my life than just my work.

A while ago I said to myself I’d never choose anything over hospitality. That if a woman came into my life, she’d always be second to work. That I didn’t have time for a relationship. That I didn’t want to get married or have kids. That I’d live in Boston my whole life, but maybe that’s not what I want.

Maybe I want balance, and love. Maybe I do wanna get married, I was so sure I wanted to a couple years ago, am I going to let one really bad experience take that away from me?

I still don’t know about kids, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever know to be honest.

The idea of moving out to California and working with Tom doesn’t seem so bad, everyone says I’d enjoy it out there, I’m 28, if I’m gonna make a jump to live in a new place around now would be the time to do it. I think my sister was 29 when she moved to Chicago. I don’t talk to my sister about a lot of this stuff, but sometimes I wonder if I’m going through something similar to her at this age. Maybe in some weird way I’m in that same path she was in, and I should take all the chances she decided not to because, I’m not sure she ended up where she wanted to.

I know she found love, but I’m not sure living in weymouth was on her bingo card for her life. I think she only didn’t have kids because of the same fears I have.. maybe I can break the cycle of how we feel, and what our past did to us internally.

I feel so fake happy.

J